Could also stand for:
The Academic
Talks A lot
That Asshole
AND
Tasty Avocado
At UW-Madison, TAs are everywhere; in almost every discussion section and coffee shop. It's unbelievable how many there are on campus. But what's more unbelievable is how easily classifiable they can become.
After three years and many conversations with friends about their teaching assistants, it's time I create a tried-and-true, referential list. Here we go!
The Four Types of TAs:
1. The Butcher
This TA doesn't need a knife, a scalpel or a thirst for murder. No. This TA is armed with one thing and one thing only: the inability to articulate. Class starts, role call begins.
""Let me know if you're here; Mi-chee-hell Dintown."" ""Michelle Dinton.""
""Okay. Good. Ke-iiiith Hamm-ilton"" ""Just Keith Hamilton.""
""That's what I said. (grimace) Jo-hin Smi-thee."" ""John Smith, dammit. WHAT THE HELL.""
Unfortunately, the slice-and-dice does not end there. This TA is merciless. He/she asks for elaborate answers to in-class questions, regardless of their nature. They could ask, ""Is the sky blue?"" and a simple, ""yes"" would not suffice. Instead, they'd demand a 200-word analysis of what the term ""blue"" really means and how the sky transforms with the onset of day, dusk and mild precipitation.
Then, just when the 50 minutes of class are finally over, they prolong the discussion to a lethal 54 minutes so they can go over the syllabus you've read only 45,401 times.
By the time you leave that room, the blood is drained from your face and the life is sucked out of you. But then again, you're not surprised. That's just a day in the life of The Butcher.
2. The Hottest Person In Their Mid-Twenties You've Ever Seen
This TA is hot as hell. If it's a guy, he's either a stud with dashing good looks and a suave persona or a nerdy ""I like to read books while wearing my adorable glasses"" type.
If the TA is a girl, she'll either have a kick-butt body, a foreign accent (optional) and a sexy disposition or she'll be unassumingly cute, extremely helpful and offer to bake you cookies if you asked; kind of like your mom—but then she'd sleep with you afterwards. Crazy, right?
This kind of TA affects your grade in one of two ways; you either a) fail the class because all you can imagine is the number of phallic symbols beside him or her in the room, rather than the number of chapters you need to read, or b) ace the class because office hours with them is equivalent to winning the lottery four times in a row. It's that good.
Yep, this type of TA stimulates more than just your brain. Unfortunately, with such a good catch, there is a catch; they're either married, engaged or dating someone that, when out together, could rival the Angelina Jolie-Brad Pitt twosome.
Oh well. That's all that you can expect from The Hottest Person In Their Mid-Twenties You've Ever Seen.
3. The One Who Never Was
Who was this TA? What was their name? When and what did they even teach you? This person makes class pretty exhausting and colorless. Their voice, devoid of any emotion or flair, has a numbing effect on your brain; with every word, you dive deeper and deeper into a boredom-induced coma. Fifty minutes later, you find yourself drooling on your desk, wondering, ""Are they still talking?"" Trying to recall your semester with this TA is like trying to recall what you did on March 15, 1996.You probably can't.
4. Your Best Friend
This TA isn't The Butcher or The Hottest Person but they sure are cool. Since day one, you instantly feel at ease; you think to yourself, ""This person is someone I can talk to, relate to—and invite to my next party because, damn, they're that cool.""
During class, you don't envision them using your blood to write notes on the whiteboard or imagine them taking off their underwear, flinging it on the floor and using your desk as a temporary waterbed. Nahhh. This TA is someone who makes the course material captivating and engaging, who you'll ask to write your recommendation, or maybe even want to be your kid's godparent in a good 10 years time. Hey, you never know. You just can't forget Your Best Friend.
Tell me your craziest TA story at gleicher@wisc.edu.
