Well, we've reached the end of the year, and because the final issue next Thursday will be full of summer previews, this will be my last column... or will it? Might some extra page space show up conveniently? Will I flex my considerable power as arts editor and kick some freshman's measly article off the page for my own enjoyment? You'll have to wait and find out.
OK, so what happened up there wasn't funny. It's actually true, but no one really enjoys being strung along before reaching a cliffhanger. In a TV show it's acceptable, because for the most part you only have to wait a week to find out what happens, but when a movie does this, it borders on intolerable. Furthermore, the wait is almost never worth it, as the subsequent sequel almost universally disappoints.
One great example of this is the ""Pirates of the Caribbean"" series. No one was sure how the first one would fare, as films based on amusement park rides can be a rocky business. Still, the first film was a swashbuckling good time, and left no one on the edge of their seat. Then the second film came along. It was worse than the first, and finished with a ridiculous cliffhanger. Although viewers barely had to wait a year for the next installment, it was even worse, leaving moviegoers with a sour taste in their mouths.
Occasionally, trilogies peak for the second film of the series rather than the third, but there are no film series' that finish stronger than they started. ""The Empire Strikes Back,"" ""The Godfather Part II,"" ""Terminator 2"" and ""Aliens"" are all sequels that either equaled or surpassed the quality of the original film. The problem? Every one of the aforementioned sequels has another sequel, and not a single one can hold a candle to the first two.
No one sits around and says ""OK guys, let's have a ‘third movie in the trilogy' night! Nothing but ‘Return of the Jedi,' ‘The Godfather Part III,' ‘Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines' and ‘Alien3' for us!"" It's simply ludicrous.
When it comes down to it, filmmakers can't make approximately the same film three times and expect each of them to be great, especially when they know there are sequels coming, and build in extended plotlines that arc over two movies. That's why next week I still feel safe, because whether or not I end up having space to regale you all with film facts one more time, it will only have been a week, and there's no way I could come back for a third encore next year.
But wait! I'm still the Arts editor! I could easily just ignore all the column submissions for next year and crown myself a columnist once again! Perhaps I could come back stronger than ever, ready to wow the crowd with new '70s sci-fi references or allusions to French new wave films!
Or could the third installment of ""Citizen Slane"" come back with a twist, featuring me as a television columnist? ""7th Kevin"" or ""Wisteria Slane"" could be in The Daily Cardinal's future. Or maybe if I learned how to read I could take the literature column and honor the great author of ""Pride and Prejudice"" with ""Slane Austen."" Who knows what the future will hold? You'll have to keep reading this great publication to find out!
Want to send Kevin hate mail for wasting an entire column? Tune in next week to find out what his e-mail address is! Or you could look at any old editions and realize that it's firstname.lastname@example.org.