I can't believe I'm even asking this, but a few nights ago, my boyfriend wanted to have sex and he started going down on me to try to get me in the mood. The reason I didn't want to was because I was really gassy and I tried really hard to hold it in, but I accidentally farted. Now I'm afraid to let him go down on me again. How do I get over this?
—Sincerely,
Whoops
Dear Whoops,
Yeah, it is generally considered poor form to fart in your partner's face while receiving oral. However, you bring up a great point; no matter how hard we try, sometimes we screw up in bed. Whether it's something we've fantasized about for years or it's a spur-of-the-moment thing, our sexcapades don't always go the way we'd like, and keeping our cool in the heat of an embarrassing moment can be tough.
However, ""whoops"" moments happen to everyone. Maybe the headboard crashes to the floor after an exceptionally powerful thrust. At the moment of climax, you shout the wrong person's name. Your dog starts howling in response to your partner's squeals of ecstasy. Whoops. The first and most important thing to remember is that sex is funny. We're naked and sweaty and our bodies are making all sorts of weird sounds and smells and facial expressions that we can't always control. And that's totally hot and totally OK.
So be upfront about it. If you can muster it, laugh. Go ahead and say it: ""Whoops!"" Apologize if you feel it is necessary: ""Sorry about that."" Then move on. Chances are, we feel a thousand times more mortified about whatever it is that happened than our partner does, and making a big deal about it will likely make things worse. Picture yourself as the fartee for a second rather than the farter—would you rather your partner giggle a bit, apologize, and then make it up to you with great sex (maybe the next night)? Or burst into tears, run out of the room, and refuse to return your calls for a week?
But what if my total embarrassment prevented me from reacting as coolly as I might have liked, and now it is a week later and I haven't returned my partner's phone calls? How do I get back on the horse?
In pretty much the same way—except this time, focus on your reaction, not the original embarrassing moment. ""Hey, sorry I haven't been around much this past week. I'd love to hang out tonight; what are you up to?"" If you want, you can briefly mention that you felt humiliated because you accidentally kicked the wall and broke your toe (yeah...), but like I said, odds are good you've been thinking about it a lot more than your partner has. It's in the past; make direct reference to what happened if you have to (like, if you broke your toe accidentally kicking your partner in the face), but don't force your partner to relive it several times because it makes you feel better to apologize profusely. Once is enough. It shows our partners we're chill and relaxed, not uptight and melodramatic.
Sometimes, though, we start worrying about things going ""wrong"" well before we knock the candle over and set the bedspread on fire, or we just can't seem to get it out of our minds even several weeks later. It's hard to enjoy sex if we're busy obsessing about small details. Our most powerful sexual organ is the brain. We can get deliriously aroused from entirely non-physical stimulation, e.g., the way things look or sound. Even if we're totally turned on, anxiety over tomorrow's monster biology exam can keep good sex from being great sex.
One way we can be good receivers of pleasure—and being able to receive pleasure well is just as important for great sex as being able to give pleasure well—is to be in the moment. Stop thinking about all the homework you have to do, stop thinking about getting a sandwich, stop thinking about how last time you squashed your partner's balls because you leaped up screaming at the spider on the wall—phenomenal sex requires us to savor.
Sex is fun. For it to be the most fun, we need to be good at both giving and receiving. No matter how good we are at it, sometimes things don't go quite like we'd planned, and that's OK. The unpredictability of sex is part of what makes it fun. No need to make a stink about it.
—Got questions? Comments? An extremely embarrassing escapade to share? E-mail Erica at sex@dailycardinal.com.
