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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, May 28, 2022

Procrastinating is not so cool beans

I can't believe I blew off my paper  

again. My ability to procrastinate  

is surpassed only by my ability to  

whine as I spend six hours in a library  

cranking out something I hope is B""  



How I end up in this mess multiple  

times over the semester isn't a very  

hard process to follow. Whether it be  

an undeniable urge to paint my toes,  

an insatiable craving for free bacon  

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at Wando's or an obsession with a  

YouTube video - I have spent what is  

probably months now giggling over  

""I'm on a Boat"" - I will fi_ nd some-  

thing far more pressing to do than the  

work due tomorrow.  


In fact, I will lay out for you just  

what led to my most recent A_A¬Ã¢_s urry  

of paper writing, and you will soon  

understand that I am a sick individual,  

at the mercy of my own lack of will  

power, miniscule attention span and a  

slight Andy Samberg obsession.  

We were assigned an approximately  

eight-page paper for my history class,  

due a week from that day. ""Eight pages  

on a debate between 19th century  

rabbi and a socialist?"" I thought. ""Psh.  

Child's play. A page or two a day and I  

will have no problem.""  


Now for a while I had legitimate  

excuses to delay the writing process.  

Wednesday morning I had an exam.  

Thursday afternoon had an interview  

for a journalism project. Thursday  

night was just ""The Offi_ ce"" and ""30  

Rock"" so I snuck a page in, but my  

priorities were with NBC.  


But this is where I had made a fatal  

mistake. It was now Friday and I had  

one page done, but I decided I could go  

out for just a little while. After all, my  

friend was having a party and it would  

be rude not to go, right? So I put my  

homework aside for just a few hours.  

I woke up Saturday afternoon on  

the A_A¬Ã¢_soor of our apartment. One little  

drink had led to one little game of beer  

pong, which led to seven little games  

of beer pong, the development of a  

southern accent, a bar crawl, stealing  

a mason jar, developing an English  

accent and asking everyone on the  

street if they would like to join me for  

fi_sh and chips, and fi_ nally passing out  

on the living room A_A¬Ã¢_s oor.  


This was not good for my paper.  

I spent all of Saturday watching mov-  

ies, napping and singing ""I'm on a  

Boat"" until my roommate threatened  

to crack the CD in half and shank-  

ing me with the shards. I did open  

the Word fi_le for the paper once, but  

soon realized it was in vain and took a  

bubble bath instead.  


So now we are to Sunday and  

the paper is due Tuesday, there is still  

plenty of time to procrastinate away.  

Since it is Sunday, I try to be produc-  

tive in the least productive way. This  

means putting off the stuff that really  

needs to get done for easy stuff that I  

will feel good for doing, but was really  

completely unnecessary.  


This particular Sunday I decided  

it was time for spring-cleaning. We're  

talking dusting, mopping, sanitizing  

the Spider Man toilet seat cover we  

found in the basement - the works. It  

was hard work, but it was satisfying;  

mainly because it didn't involve 19th  

century rabbis or socialists, but satisfy-  

ing none-the-less.  


But as I sunk into the couch after a  

long day of cleaning, reality sunk in - I  

hadn't watched the movie ""Hot Rod"" in  

three weeks. I popped it in, congratulat-  

ing myself on a job well done.  


I planned to do a little typing while  

watching, but then the ""Footloose""  

parody came on and my giggles could  

not be stopped. I tried to pick some  

sources, but was totally distracted by  

Will Arnett's cameo. When the ""Cool  

Beans"" song fi_nally came on, it was  

game over for my paper. Defi_ nitely not  

cool beans.  


And here we are, Monday morn-  

ing, and everything worked out just  

fi_ ne. It came down to the wire, but I  

think I have fi_ nally learned my pro-  

crastinating les - wait a minute. If I'm  

writing my column, I clearly am not  

writing my paper...that I have still only  

written one page of... SHIT!  


If you know anything about 19th cen-  

tury rabbis or socialists you need to e-mail  

Megan NOW at  


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