I can't believe I blew off my paper
again. My ability to procrastinate
is surpassed only by my ability to
whine as I spend six hours in a library
cranking out something I hope is B""
How I end up in this mess multiple
times over the semester isn't a very
hard process to follow. Whether it be
an undeniable urge to paint my toes,
an insatiable craving for free bacon
at Wando's or an obsession with a
YouTube video - I have spent what is
probably months now giggling over
""I'm on a Boat"" - I will fi_ nd some-
thing far more pressing to do than the
work due tomorrow.
In fact, I will lay out for you just
what led to my most recent A_A¬Ã¢_s urry
of paper writing, and you will soon
understand that I am a sick individual,
at the mercy of my own lack of will
power, miniscule attention span and a
slight Andy Samberg obsession.
We were assigned an approximately
eight-page paper for my history class,
due a week from that day. ""Eight pages
on a debate between 19th century
rabbi and a socialist?"" I thought. ""Psh.
Child's play. A page or two a day and I
will have no problem.""
Now for a while I had legitimate
excuses to delay the writing process.
Wednesday morning I had an exam.
Thursday afternoon had an interview
for a journalism project. Thursday
night was just ""The Offi_ ce"" and ""30
Rock"" so I snuck a page in, but my
priorities were with NBC.
But this is where I had made a fatal
mistake. It was now Friday and I had
one page done, but I decided I could go
out for just a little while. After all, my
friend was having a party and it would
be rude not to go, right? So I put my
homework aside for just a few hours.
I woke up Saturday afternoon on
the A_A¬Ã¢_soor of our apartment. One little
drink had led to one little game of beer
pong, which led to seven little games
of beer pong, the development of a
southern accent, a bar crawl, stealing
a mason jar, developing an English
accent and asking everyone on the
street if they would like to join me for
fi_sh and chips, and fi_ nally passing out
on the living room A_A¬Ã¢_s oor.
This was not good for my paper.
I spent all of Saturday watching mov-
ies, napping and singing ""I'm on a
Boat"" until my roommate threatened
to crack the CD in half and shank-
ing me with the shards. I did open
the Word fi_le for the paper once, but
soon realized it was in vain and took a
bubble bath instead.
So now we are to Sunday and
the paper is due Tuesday, there is still
plenty of time to procrastinate away.
Since it is Sunday, I try to be produc-
tive in the least productive way. This
means putting off the stuff that really
needs to get done for easy stuff that I
will feel good for doing, but was really
This particular Sunday I decided
it was time for spring-cleaning. We're
talking dusting, mopping, sanitizing
the Spider Man toilet seat cover we
found in the basement - the works. It
was hard work, but it was satisfying;
mainly because it didn't involve 19th
century rabbis or socialists, but satisfy-
But as I sunk into the couch after a
long day of cleaning, reality sunk in - I
hadn't watched the movie ""Hot Rod"" in
three weeks. I popped it in, congratulat-
ing myself on a job well done.
I planned to do a little typing while
watching, but then the ""Footloose""
parody came on and my giggles could
not be stopped. I tried to pick some
sources, but was totally distracted by
Will Arnett's cameo. When the ""Cool
Beans"" song fi_nally came on, it was
game over for my paper. Defi_ nitely not
And here we are, Monday morn-
ing, and everything worked out just
fi_ ne. It came down to the wire, but I
think I have fi_ nally learned my pro-
crastinating les - wait a minute. If I'm
writing my column, I clearly am not
writing my paper...that I have still only
written one page of... SHIT!
If you know anything about 19th cen-
tury rabbis or socialists you need to e-mail
Megan NOW at firstname.lastname@example.org.