No doubt you've seen or heard the advertisements printed on bulletins at your place of worship, aired on late-night television or even shouted at you on the street, warning you about the dangers that threaten your soul. The script is familiar:
""Warning! Your soul is in danger of forfeiture. No soul can be saved without our help!""
It's true, of course, that failing to properly care for your soul can result in its degradation or loss of trade-in value. But what these ads don't tell you is that with a little bit of know-how and regular maintenance, the average soul is virtually guaranteed to increase in worth throughout your lifetime.
Granted, it can be hard to know where to start. If you own a television, you've probably seen ads for weekly support groups, dozens of different books—heck, the market for soul care is one of the oldest in the world. Thankfully, you don't need a lot of bells and whistles to keep your soul looking and sounding its very best—just a little bit of elbow grease and some spare time.
With that in mind, here are some of the tips and tricks that will help make sure your soul lasts an eternity:
Don't get carried away with superficial maintenance
It's easy to get caught up admiring the pristine, shiny souls you see on TV, but if you haven't thought about soul care in a while or you're working on a budget, it's best to keep in mind that your time and money are much better spent providing for your soul's bare necessities. (Besides, most of the souls you see in advertisements are heavily airbrushed.) If you find that you absolutely can't ignore this area, the best way to get convincing results for the least amount of money is to invest in a top-quality waxing agent.
Souls don't like to be too hot or too cold
A beginner will warn you that a soul should never be ""lukewarm,"" but experience teaches that you're better off keeping your soul as close to 98 degrees Fahrenheit as possible. Humidity can also be a factor, and although it's hard for a soul to be ""too humid,"" drying can be a problem. Optimally, you'll want to shoot for at least 70 percent humidity. If you live in a particularly dry climate, or one that experiences severe winters, you may wish to invest in a humidifier. This is also a good time to mention that souls don't do well in direct light. (Questions about different substrates are more a concern for connoisseurs.)
Make sure you have the proper tools
This doesn't mean you have to go out and buy one of those new steam cleaners or drop $2,000 on a grow light, but if you're going to be doing your own soul maintenance, it's going to take more than duct tape and prayers to get the job done. Must-haves include pruning shears, a food processor, a map of buried electrical wires in your neighborhood and (for those hard-to-reach places) a 32-gallon aquarium, which can be emptied when you're not using it. A stainless steel corkscrew, a portable generator and eye drops are not required but are strongly recommended. (Most of these purchases will be tax-deductible, depending on state statutes. See IRS State & Federal Withholdings subsection S.121.03, ""Regarding souls filing singly or jointly."")
Know when to ask a professional
Our aim is to provide you with the knowledge necessary to keep your own soul in peak shape, but we'll be the first to admit some issues require expert attention. If you get in over your head at any point, it's important to know there are certified professionals happy to help. But remember: Whatever your question is, there are likely thousands of different answers out there, and everyone from the Vatican to Moviefone has their own agenda for your soul. So, before you pick up the phone to share your existential maintenance questions with the Ayatollah or that friendly man who fixes old houses on the Home & Garden Network, ask yourself, ""Is this the kind of soul I want?""
Save your soul while working from home! E-mail Matt at hunziker@wisc.edu.
