OK guys, let's try this one more time. We've got a full tank of gas, ""Varsity"" blasting on the radio and an open road ahead of us. If we can all simply act like adults, we shouldn't have any proble—
HEY! What are you doing back there? Is that summer sausage? Put that down! Oh, you're going to eat it? Well, how about eating it normally please, perhaps with a bun and some yellow mustard. Or maybe Dijon, if that's your thing. Yessir, a brat with some Dijon mustard would really hit the spot right now, maybe at the next rest stop we can ch—
WOAH WOAH WOAH! What's in that water bottle? Water is not dark brown, Jamie. Are you kids shirking your duties to the UW again? I'm about to pull this bus over! For Pete's sake, can't we have a simple six-hour bus ride without any disruptions? Back in the day the band was the model of good behavior. And we didn't have any of these fancy coach buses either. No sir, we were crammed four to a seat in an old school bus that smelled like vomit. Now that I think about it, this bus is starting to smell like vomit too. One of these days, I'm going to show these kids the discipline they really need, or my name isn't ""Iron Mike"" Leckro—
SAMUEL! Where do you think you're going? I told you once already, we are NOT using the bathroom on the bus, we are waiting until a rest stop. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to hold it. You guys think it's a good idea to turn bathroom privileges into some sort of perverted game? Well so do I! It's called ""let's all wait to use the bathroom until we've gotten off the gosh-darn, pea-picking bus because it's the only place where you damn tubas won't make people suck on sex toys to gain admission into the damn john!"" Sounds like a fun game right? Almost as fun as ""Let's not drink before, during and after the games, instead relying on our own spirited enthusiasm to entertain the crowd!"" That's another great one.
Things used to be different. The football team used to suck more than my damn pension plan. People used to come just to see the world-famous Wisconsin Band! People used to show up late because they only wanted to see the 5th quarter, not because they were piss drunk at 10:45 in the morning. People used to sing ""Varsity"" like it meant something, rather than adding chanting cuss words at each other and adding ""beer"" to the end of every cheer. I could go for a cold frosty one right now. No, I didn't really want one Todd, put that away. No, I don't want a beer bong, Todd. NO, I DON'T WANT TO SHOTGUN A STINKIN' BEER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
That's it. I'm pulling this bus over! Pick up your instruments and start walking. No, I'm not kidding Alex. Yes, that includes you bass drum. We're going to ""Roll Out the Barrel"" all the way to Ann Arbor you worthless ingrates. PUT THAT DOOBIE DOWN!
