I rarely let my columns delve into the world of television. My colleague Ali already covers the world of the boob tube quite admirably. Yet, when television encroaches on the world of film in such an egregious and terrible fashion, I have to speak up. It was Saturday, and I was sitting around with my roommate surfing channels. Once we got to FX, we realized we had managed to catch the beginning of the recent Samuel L. Jackson classic ""Snakes on a Plane."" Fully prepared to waste away the next two hours, we settled in.
Now, I understand that television has different standards of viewing. They have to cut material for time and, more importantly, for content. So the random sex scenes were gone, as were much of the arbitrary foul language. Yet when we reached the most important line of the film, I couldn't believe my ears. Samuel Jackson was mad, and he needed to tell people he was fed up with these slithering reptiles, so he opened his mouth and yelled, ""I've had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!"" Seriously, that's what he said. The editors at FX took the best line of ""Snakes on a Plane"" and made it into shit.
I've seen some bad television edits before, but rarely to such a crucial line. Usually a television edit is a moment to laugh for friends, a moment to comment on how Shooter McGavin eats pieces of ""scum"" for breakfast, or how Rod Farva likes that restaurant with all the goofy ""junk"" on the wall. But taking the most important line of a movie and completely changing its meaning is tantamount to cinematic homicide.
The only other television edit that even comes close to this travesty is from ""Die Hard,"" when legendary tough guy Bruce Willis sneered at his captor and yelled his famous catchphrase, ""Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon."" Rather than leaving television audiences cheering, wowed by how freakin' manly John McClane is, they are left on the floor laughing, picturing Bruce Willis as a character in ""Super Smash Bros."" about to deliver a finishing blow to Captain Falcon.
When in doubt, television censors should just insert blank air over an expletive rather than adding a ridiculous dub. The dead air may briefly take audiences out of the film, but it's better then taking them out for 30 seconds while they laugh about their favorite movie star's colorful language being reduced to elementary school substitutes.
Think Kevin is full of fish and should get a ducking clue? E-mail his handsome buttocks at kevslane@gmail.com.
