Citing the need for real, sustained solutions to UW-Madison's budget woes, university officials announced Tuesday that, effective at semester's end, Dean of Students Lori Berquam will be replaced by a state-of-the-art, forum-hosting automaton.
The Liaison OutReach Instigator (L.O.R.I.) has more than 50 points of articulation, realistic silicone skin and the ability to manipulate and encourage the most reluctant of forum participants. She has a vocabulary of more than 100,000 pre-programmed phrases—all of which are composed by using simple verbs and prepositions to link various synonyms encouraging faculty-student collaboration.
""Thank—you—for—attending—this—gathering,"" L.O.R.I. said to a student focus group at a pilot forum last month. ""I look forward to receiving your input and giving feedback for discussion of cooperative brainstorming to spread awareness and team up for collaborative support assistance teamwork forum.""
The university recognized the loss of human agency as a significant setback to the Offices of the Dean of Students, but argued that what L.O.R.I. lacks in independent thought and emotion, she more than makes up for in reach. With her wireless capabilities, the dean-in-waiting has already joined and can instantaneously operate on social networking sites Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Friendster, LinkeDin, Hi5, Classmates, Xanga and Skyrock.
L.O.R.I. also boasts an 80 GB MP3 hard drive, a 12-inch DVD/Blu-ray display and a built-in Breathalyzer so she can monitor the student drinking culture while patrolling State Street on weekends.
""The technological capabilities of L.O.R.I. are remarkable,"" Vice Chancellor for Administration Darrell Bazzell said. ""She even has a database of hundreds of hotlines, websites and bulleted tips catered to specific categories of student needs.""
UW-Madison Chancellor Biddy Martin said current dean Berquam had some good ideas, but drew too much attention to her limits when promising to do things like monitor campus safety 24/7.
""[Human] Lori really signed her own death certificate with that one,"" Martin said. ""We determined such a feat could only be accomplished by an inorganic, battery-powered android—one that comes equipped with night vision, thermal cameras and arms that operate as 40-millimeter grenade launchers.""
Student reaction has generally been positive, though reviews from students who have actually met L.O.R.I. have ranged from ""cold,"" to ""insensitive,"" to ""zombie-like.""
""We're still waiting for L.O.R.I. to have an epiphany through which she finally recognizes human love and compassion,"" Martin said. ""In the meantime, we've programmed her to prepare and distribute a mean PB&J sandwich.""
