The 81st annual Oscars reviewed the best actors, actresses and all the hidden aspects that go into movie-making this Sunday. This is decided by the mysterious Academy,"" an omnipotent being who looks down on Hollywood once a year and pronounces some of its work to be good.
But everyone knows the real fun of the Oscars isn't the Academy's decisions, it's yours. Everyone has an opinion on who got snubbed, who looked awful in what dress and who should have been laughed out of their category - I'm looking at you, Robert Downey Jr.
So, last night my friends and I had a little Oscar party. To add a little authenticity to the awards show, I assembled my circle of experts to determine what we believe the real outcomes of the awards should have been. I'll briefly introduce each expert and their voting record:
Name: My dad, Gary.
Backstory: My dad saw ""Gran Torino"" this year and developed an instant man-crush on Clint Eastwood. When I told him ""Gran Torino"" wasn't up for best picture and Clint hadn't received an acting or directing nod for the flick, he wouldn't believe me.
Votes:
Best Actor: Clint Eastwood
Best Actress: Clint Eastwood... in drag?
Best Picture: ""Gran Torino""
Quote of the night: ""Megan, I'm leaving your mother for Clint Eastwood.""
Name: Joel
Backstory: I met Joel while working at a movie theater in high school. A film student and total movie snob, Joel was absolutely disgusted by 2008's crappy selection of movies - this from a man who is currently writing a script about an extra-buttery batch of theater popcorn that comes to life and goes on a killing spree. If it's anything like ""Hell Chair"" - a chair that comes to life and goes on a killing spree - I am sure we will see him nominated someday.
Votes:
Best Director: David Fincher (""The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"") - he also said he wouldn't mind if ""Slumdog Millionaire"" won, but Joel hates to lose, so I think he is just trying to cover his tracks.
Best Cinematography: ""Slumdog Millionaire""
Best Animated Feature Film: ""Wall-E""
Quote of the night: ""Hey, Robert Downey Jr. added a unique twist to his character in 'Tropic Thunder.' All Heath Ledger did was blah blah blah monologue. But, if Heath Ledger doesn't win, I am pretty sure Hollywood will simply implode.""
Name: Amanda
Backstory: My roommate and friend who happened to walk in while I was writing this column. She doesn't know anything about movies. She hasn't seen anything nominated for an award this year except for ""The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"" so her votes shouldn't really count. However, seeing as half the American public hasn't seen the movies either, I decided she could stay in as their representative vote.
Votes:
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger
Best Supporting Actress: ""I'm going to go with Vicky... should I know who this is?"" She means Penelope Cruz in ""Vicky Christina Barcelona.""
Best Sound Mixing: ""I saw part of Wall-E and I didn't like it, so I'm going to go with (closes eyes and picks at random) Slumdog Millionaire.""
Quote of the night: ""Damn it, Megan, leave me alone.""
I took the lead as host for our little Oscar party. Though I don't look as good in a tuxedo as Hugh Jackman, my Midwestern accent is just as sexy as his Australian one. While I entertained our guests, my team of experts hid in the back bedroom to decide the victors.
Through much debate, bickering and heavy drinking amongst the panelists, they finally hammered out the winners for the various categories. At the end of the night they presented me with a small envelope. I opened it, impatient for the results.
It read simply: ""Clint Eastwood wins. Every single category. Period.""
Damn it, Dad.
If your dad has a man-crush on Clint Eastwood, e-mail Megan at mcorbett2@wisc.edu.
