Dear Career Services Liaison,
I am writing on behalf of my employer to express our displeasure with your department's decision to reject our application for a booth at your university's upcoming career fair, and also to reiterate (by way of imploring you to reconsider your decision) that my employer, Hell, has a place for each and every one of your students.
To restate the facts of our current dispute:
1) In early December (well in advance of your stated January deadline) my supervisor, Departmental Director Screwtape, submitted our completed application to your office by express trans-abyssal post. This was done both to allow ample time to sort out any confusion that might occur and also because he was unclear as to whether your organization would also be taking extended holiday breaks for the Feast of King Herod and the Slaughter of the Innocents.
2) We received no response from your office until the 16th of February. The envelope (badly damaged by its lengthy trip through the Outer Darkness) was postmarked several weeks earlier and appeared to have been sent via USPS Business Class instead of the requested trans-abyssal service. As to the hapless carrier dispatched on this errand, there was no sign. (We speculate that his or her materials are now lost to the aforementioned void).
3) The substance of your rejection letter was unhelpfully vague on the subject of whatever requirements our organization fails to satisfy and seemed to be possessed of the misconception that we are some sort of ""religious organization.""
Because of this apparent confusion, we remain hopeful that our present conflict is a result of a simple misunderstanding, a common situation that this organization has gotten quite used to handling over the years. As there is still ample time for our Department of Infernal Resources to prepare an exhibition for the career fair in question, please allow me to once again impress upon you the many unique opportunities that our company can offer your graduates.
Similar to many top-tier employers such as Google or Apple Incorporated, Hell strives to be not just a workplace, but also a way of living. New members of Our Family Below are admitted regardless of degree, career aspirations or specific denomination of mortal trespass. Once inside our organization, each new arrival will be sorted into the level most appropriate by our officer of admissions, an experienced demon who will direct them onward by curling his massive tail around his body an indicative number of times.
For the career-oriented graduate, Hell offers many opportunities to make prestigious personal connections. Whether boiling in pitch, fleeing from serpents or just remaining perfectly still while their limbs are cleaved from their body, many world leaders in politics and business are gainfully employed through our organization and ready to share their experiences with new hires.
With all this and more to offer, it should come as no surprise that Hell has enjoyed brisk growth throughout its history, and Mr. Screwtape feels our organization would be an ideal fit for your upcoming career services event.
If, however, you continue to deny us access to your institution, we are prepared to take appropriate legal action. Our legal team (which possesses over 7 billion years of combined experience) believes that this is a clear case of ideological discrimination. Furthermore, the questionable morals of many of the organizations that you regularly invite to participate in your events cause them to view your rejection of our application as an act of hypocrisy, a term which for us has special legal considerations of its own.
To boil down the long history of legal-spiritual case law to the part concerning our present discussion, simply understand that such an act puts your department under our purview (an irony which my employer hopes is not lost on you). Suffice it so say that it would be wise for your organization to think over this decision very carefully. I have attached to this letter the personal testimonies of several individuals interred in our Department of Hypocrisies. My employer trusts that you will not find them lacking in descriptive detail or persuasiveness.
We would just as soon rather it never came to this, however. And so, once again, the ball is in your court.
Cordially,
Matthew Hunziker
Personal Assistant to Departmental Director Screwtape
PS: Please post your response in the attached (and specially stamped) envelope.
PPS: Or submit via e-mail to hunziker@wisc.edu.
