It began with Jumanji."" The Robin Williams vehicle about a board game with mystical powers was a moderate success back in 1995. Besides the star power of Williams, the film also boasted great special effects and a compelling plot.
Then came 2005's ""Zathura: A Space Adventure,"" the spiritual successor to ""Jumanji."" It seemed to dwarf ""Jumanji"" in scale, featuring a board game that brings the protagonists into space. Yet the reviews were generally unfavorable, and the lack of Robin Williams certainly hurt as well.
Given the relative lack of revenue and interest, I assumed the ""board game as movie"" genre was played out. Unfortunately, I underestimated the stupidity of movie executives.That is why I was saddened, yet not overly surprised when I heard tentative plans for a movie based on the classic Ouija Board game.
As a kid, I barely understood the concept of a Ouija Board. You sit around, ask a question, and somehow the Ouija Board magically moves its pointer around to the various letters and numbers on the board, until it has magically spelled out a message? Sounds like an idea some exasperated parent devised so the kids would shut up for a few minutes.
Now, the Ouija Board is so much more. Michael Bay is already attached, and Hasbro is more than happy to feature another one of its products in a big-budget movie (""Transformers,"" anyone?).
Producer Brad Fuller reiterated the epic-ness of it all, saying that the proposed film will be ""A huge movie. That's a big, big, big thing. ... It's more of a, like, 'Pirates of the Caribbean' adventure story, with a Ouija board at the center of it."" Fuller also made clear that the film would not be similar to ""Jumanji.""
Although ""Pirates of the Caribbean"" proved to be a wildly successful film based on an amusement park ride, the Ouija Board project seems a bit outlandish. ""Pirates"" succeeded because everyone loves pirates. Who loves a piece of wood with numbers and letters painted on it?
As if that wasn't enough, Hasbro and Universal are teaming up to bring us a film based on Candy Land. That's right, in the course of a week, we have had two movies greenlit that are based on board games. What's next, ""Jenga: The Motion Picture Extravaganza?"" A spin-off of ""Grey's Anatomy"" featuring the dude from ""Operation""? Some murder mystery based on ""Clue""? Oh wait, that already happened.
Perhaps the most disturbing part of all of this is the concept that sponsors can essentially buy themselves a movie. Hasbro will surely reap the benefits of the two films through merchandising. Movies built by products bring back memories of the television system of the 40s and 50s, when television shows were built and owned by sponsors, instead of the other way around. Before you know it, we'll be seeing full-length feature films starring the M&M's, or the Aflac duck, or Finn the Goldfish.
The one redeeming factor in all of this is the literal explosion the screenwriting profession will undergo. Want to write a futuristic dramedy starring a whole bunch of Teddy Grams? Too bad, someone already wrote one, and production is already underway on ""Teddy Grams 2: Electric Boogaloo."" That's OK though, anyone is a household item away from a major motion picture. So pick up a pen (The Scintilating Scandalous Sharpie) or get to a computer (The Adventures of Danny Dell and Petey the Printer) and get to work.
Have some other amusing crossover film ideas? Email Kevin at kevslane@gmail.com
