About one month ago, I became a mother. Not the kind of mother with permanent stretch marks - no, I still have seven or eight years until I pop one out of my uterus - but a mother to someone else's child. A guinea pig, to be exact.
I adopted Penelope - who I affectionately call The Pig"" - from my sister, who had two. After The Pig went all Hannibal Lector on the other pig and completely bit her nose off, she was no longer welcome in my parents' home.
I thought it would be cool to have an animal around, but what I didn't expect was to fall head-over-heels in love with her.
Basically, I kind of think she's my daughter. But the problem is that guinea pigs are only expected to live between 5 and 8 years, meaning they grow up a hell of a lot faster than your human baby. With each month equivalent to one human year, here's looking into the future of raising a happy, healthy guinea pig.
14 months
""Penelope? Mommy wants to have a talk.""
""Squeak.""
""You're a very pretty young pig, and the boys are going to start looking at you a little differently than you're used to.""
""Squeak. Squeak.""
""Aww, you love being scratched between the ears. Don't you my pwetty wittle piggie wig wig!""
""Squeeeeeak.""
""But as I was saying, boys might try to - and this is very hard for Mommy to say - touch you in places you might not feel comfortable with. Like on your whiskers. I know you hate that.""
""Squeak?""
""Are you out of hay? Oh my goodness! You are! I'll be right back to refill your bin.""
""Squeak. Squeak... Munch. Munch. Munch.""
""But I just wanted to let you know it's OK to say no. Your body is exactly that - your own, and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. OK? OOOKKKK?""
""Munch.""
""All you need to say is, 'I respect my body and I expect you to respect it as well.' And if they still push it, just tell them you spend most of the day in a pile of your own feces. That should do it.""
17 months
""Penelope, I found something in your room this morning. Do you have any idea what that could be?""
""Squeak. Squeak.""
""I'm very disappointed in you, Penelope.""
""Squeak.""
""I found spinach hiding in your litter.""
""Squeak! Squeak!""
""Do you know how much calcium there is in spinach? Listen, I know the cool pigs might all be doing it, and that it might feel good, but Jesus, Penelope! There are long-term consequences for these kinds of things.""
""Squeak! Squeak, squeak, squeak, SQUEAK!""
""Penelope, come out of your igloo right now!""
""Squeak!""
""I'm going to count to five, and if you don't come out, I'm going to take away your chewing blocks!""
20 months
""Well, Penelope, I knew this day would come. And I'm so proud of you.""
""Squeak.""
""Living on your own - well, it can be lonely but so gratifying.""
""Squeak.""
""This month's rent is all taken care of - God, I swore I wouldn't do this,"" I said as I wiped a tear from my cheek.
""So I'll come by once a day to change your food and water. And if you ever need anything else, you know where to find me.""
""Squeak.""
As every good mother does, I plastered a smile across my face for the sake of my child. Then I gave her a kiss on the top of her head and shut the door to her brand new cage, now independently residing in the living room instead of my bedroom.
If you'd like to send Penelope a graduation present, she loves diamonds and 24-karat gold.
E-mail Kiera at wiatrak@wisc.edu for Penelope's new address.
