TO WAVE OR NOT TO WAVE? DAVID PONDERS
The art of passing another person on the street: hard to acquire, never taught and certainly never talked about - at least not enough to ensure we're doing it right. Seeing people is nice. But in a culture without customs, the difficulty arises when trying to decide how to show that person exactly just how nice it actually is. Say I'm walking down State and I see someone headed in the direction opposite my own. If I recognize the person, I've got about four seconds to decide on something between running up and chest bumping or completely ignoring 'em, all a function of how well I know the person, my mood at the moment and my chance of slinking by without them noticing. I usually end up yelling his name at his face awkwardly as he passes and asking how he's doing as I walk backward away from him and into an old lady.
At a large school like this, we all have that fuzzy zone of folks we know who aren't exactly our friends but we've definitely seen enough to acknowledge somehow. But how? When is the stop-and-chat required, and when can I get by with just a hi-and-wave? I think the hi-and-wave is a classic move, but I can't tell you how many times someone put on the brakes for me and with a wave, I hi'ed right by.
Or what if I know the person so poorly I'm not sure if I should say anything at all? Is that when you whip out the smile-and-a-head-nod? But what if they don't remember me and I just look like a creepy head-nodder? Should I act like I don't see them and glance everywhere they aren't? WHAT IF I DON'T KNOW YOU AT ALL, SHOULD I JUST NOT LOOK AT YOU? It's a lot to think about when you're just trying to walk to Walgreens.
I'm sure we all cope with this in our own way. The easiest solution, of course, is to walk in a pack. But inevitably we find ourselves walking alone and are forced to brave the endless stream of eyes bearing down on us from up the sidewalk. Some'll glue their phones to their head and yak away, stashing a wave in their pocket and a smile inside their cheeks just in case some Facebook friend makes eye contact. Others pop the ear buds in, pull the hat way down and try to barrel on home before anyone notices. A lot of us try to act like humans and just walk down the street. But then you run into all that confusion again. What, then, should we do? Like a lot of problems between humans, I think this one can be solved with a little dose of communication.
Starting now, if I spy someone walking toward me at a distance who I kinda know and I think will cause me problems - like a kid from the dorms I haven't seen in years or my friend's roommate whose name I can never remember, as soon as I see 'em - I wave both my arms and yell at 'em right away. HEY YOU!"" I shout, ""YEAH, HEY, IT'S ME, DAVID. WE SORT OF KNOW EACH OTHER!"" That way we don't do that awkward thing where you make eye contact with someone from afar and then you both have to glance around and act like that didn't happen until you actually pass and say hi. Once I get his or her attention, I start the conversation right away. ""WHAT'S UP? WHERE YA OFF TO? WHAT? HEY, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT ONE GUY WHO GOT STABBED?"" She might not catch everything I say, but either way it works out. If we know each other well enough, by the time we reach each other we'll have gotten all the small talk out of the way, and if we don't, then by the time we actually pass, she'll be so embarrassed that she'll fly right on by.
Either way, I'll be content with having done my duty to my fellow man. Unless it turns out I was mistaken and just yelled at a total stranger for 10 seconds. Then I usually put my hand to my ear and act like I was on a Bluetooth, and if it seems like they're not buying it I throw a brick at their face and run upstairs into Ear Wax until the heat dies down.
Does David just have social anxiety disorder? Diagnose him at dhottinger@wisc.edu.
FEET MEET STREET, DAVIS MEETS HOT BABES
Dear Davis,
How do I get the honeys?
-Louis, Barnard Hall
Picking up women is easy, Louis, as long as you're attractive and know how to say the right things. But even that won't help you if you stay shut up in your single dorm all day. You gotta get out. I hear there're lots of super-drunk under-aged sorority girls at Hawk's every Thursday night; maybe you could cut your chops there. But if propping up sloppy floozies ain't your bag, Lou, let me let you in a little secret that keeps my LG ringing off the belt clip.
The ladies at this school never expect to be hit on while they're walking to their 11 a.m. classes, especially by complete strangers in the dead of winter. But with 20,000 potential suitors milling about them, you'd think I'd have a bit more competition when I work my game on the way to the Chemistry Building every Tuesday and Thursday morning.
Most confused people are very polite, so when I tap the girl walking in front of me on the shoulder and say, ""Hey I just decided you're sexy - you wanna give me your phone number?"" you'd be surprised how many of them rattle off their digits before they realize they're getting macked on. It's like taking candy from a barrel, Lou.
They say it's usually like 10 percent, but I would guess at least half the guys at this school are gay, 'cause I swear I'm the only one spittin' game during passing time. Just because we don't have lockers to lean against like in high school don't mean the females ain't hurtin' for a flirtin' between classes anymore. Say you're walking in a crowd down University and everyone stops at a red light. What do most guys do? Stare at the ground and mope. What do I do? Spit.
""Sorry to interrupt ladies, but there's like 280 spots left in my phonebook, who wants in?""
""Boy this light is long. Now my feet are wet. Hey you wanna shack up? I love you.""
""Hey, a lot of people have that same jacket. How do you feel about that? Do you wanna go somewhere and make out? OK, fine, no pressure.""
It doesn't always work. And sometimes you get some really weird looks, especially if she's met you before. But if you wanna cook hashbrowns, you gotta plant potatoes. It's science, Louie.
Some guys think it's easier to wait about 14 hours and make a move at a bar when the girl's minutes from passing out. I pounce before she's fully awake. While she's worried about getting her econ assignment in on time, I'm creeping up from behind to hit her with this line: ""Excuse me, ma'am? Ma'am! Hey, I did really well on my SAT; you wanna go steady - oh, wait. Ugh. From behind, your hair sort of made you look ho-... um, nevermind. Sorry
to bother you.""
You're bound to get some of those Lou, especially for the earlier classes. Beauty is skin deep, so makeup is basically lying. You don't have that problem at 9:42 Monday morning. It's like the opposite of beer goggles. But it works out, 'cause there's so many other fish on the street. Plus its harder for all the real babes to walk away since we're both walking in the same direction. Not that I'm persistent or anything. It's tough not to jump ship mid-delivery for an upgrade. ""Whoa-ho! Hey there, honey buns, I was just telling sugar tits over there how big a stiffy you just gave me. Are you gonna be drunk later? Just asking.""
Since I consider laughter a good thing, I have a surprisingly low failure rate with all this. And if you're at it long enough, sometimes they drop right into your hands. Like the time a girlie dropped her phone on the ground and I quick ran to snatch it up and put my number in it under 'Pimp Juice.' I handed it back all smooth and was like, ""Hey what's up, I'm Pimp Juice. Call me. I'm 21; I can buy you alcohol."" She was way into it. I think she was doing that wait-three-days-before-you call thing and lost track though. Whatever, I got other leads.
Give it a try. Just not on University Avenue or Library Mall, though. That's my Kool-Aid.
Send phone numbers to dhottinger@wisc.edu. Davis is out for the semester folks, PEACE!
