I woke up on the floor of a strange bathroom. I saw urinals; a men's bathroom. Good. Where am I? I asked myself. Why was I passed out in a bathroom? I checked my pants; dry, buttoned, still on me. Good. This was weird, though. Pushing open one bathroom door and then a second, I found myself standing at the top of two flights of stairs with a platform-like overhang to my left. It seemed I was in some sort of strange facility. I headed down the stairs.
When I reached the bottom, there was a brown iron door in front of me, a hallway to my right, and double gray doors to my left. Still no hint of what this place was, and I had no recollection of how I had gotten here. Casually, I glanced to my right. A guy was running wildly toward me from the other end of the hall! He was wearing a yellow Hawaiian print T-shirt, glasses and HOLY SHIT, HE'S GOT A GUN! I ducked back behind the wall of the stairway. Did he see me? I poked my head out to check. Bullets whizzed past my head. More were on their way, but I didn't stick around to see where they'd go. He'd seen me. I raced back up the steps, thoughts flying through my head like the bullets pouring down the hall. Who was that guy and why was he shooting at me? What the hell sort of place was this?
By the time I got to the top of the steps the shooter was at the bottom. He wasn't yelling, wasn't really even looking at me, just running after me with his gun out in front of him. Super creepy. I was about to go back into the bathroom to hide when out of the corner of my eye I spotted another gun lying on the floor of the platform to my right. No time to wonder why an AK-47 was lying out in the open like that now. I ran over and snatched it up. My pursuer was just reaching the second flight. Bullets! I need bullets. Luckily, there was a green box with 80 of them near the back of the platform. I loaded without a moment to spare. Just as Luau-dude reached the top step and raised his gun to start clobbering me, I let him have it. I was surprised how many slugs he took. I used up just about all my ammo. He even was able to get a few rounds off before his gun fell from his hands and he dropped to the floor.
I was pretty sure I'd been hit, but before I had time to think about it, a short, well-dressed Asian man with a bowler hat started bounding up the stairs, followed closely by a white dude in a suit that looked just like James Bond. They were both armed. What the hell is going on, and why is everybody trying to kill me? I slipped into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me. I heard shots fired outside. I was scanning the bathroom, looking for something to take cover behind when I saw it lying near the urinals: a gun made of pure gold. This has to be special. Just as I picked it up, the two behind me burst through the door and started running around, shooting at each other, me and everything in between. DAMMIT, THIS GOLDEN GUN ONLY HAS THREE BULLETS IN IT! Better make them count.
The odd-looking Asian set up shop in the corner by the sink and started taking pot shots at me with a silenced PP7 while the James Bond guy continued to run around in circles and shoot at whatever was convenient. My health was fading, fast. I had just gotten the Asian in my sights when WHAT THE FUCK THE HAWAIIAN SHIRT GUY I JUST KILLED COMES IN AND STARTS SLAPPING ME! I started firing randomly. Miss. Miss. My last bullet struck Bond in the elbow, sending him to the pavement. ONE SHOT, BITCHES! OH, OUCH! OW! I'M GETTING SHOT LEFT AND RIGHT! HAWAII GUY HAS BOND'S GUN AND - OH BLOOD! BLOOD POURING DOWN MY FACE, ALL OVER MY EYES! IT'S GETTING DARK... everything is fading to blahhhh...
I woke up in a strange place. There was sand on the floor and guns all around. It looked like a boiler room of sorts...
Can you help David out? E-mail dhottinger@wisc.edu if you know where he is.
