It's time for apartment hunting, my dears, and your old friend Megan is here for you. As one experienced with the trials and tribulations of really run-down, piece-of-crap apartment rentals, I feel I can pass on some helpful tips and tricks to my beloved readers.
The first step is roommates. Even if you are living in a shack made solely of duct tape, toothpicks and Bazooka Joe gum wrappers, a good roommate can make a housing arrangement bearable. A bad one can make you want to burn your Bazooka Joe fort to the ground, no matter how funny the jokes are.
There are some signs you can look for when choosing a roommate who is right for you. I personally stay away from people who collect vials of blood from past lovers, like to play with fire and your hair at the same time, and whose souls are so ultimately consumed by classes they have holed off a small section of their room to house the live goats they sacrifice pre-exam week.
These are, of course, my opinions, so if you're into dark magic or pyromania, to each his own. The basic lesson with roommates is to make sure you have something in common, or can at least agree on basic things, such as who has to clean up the goat's litter box.
Now that you have found someone who has promised not to murder you in your sleep, the hard part begins. Finding the perfect house or apartment can be difficult because the nice, cheap places are in high demand these days. Not everyone is content sharing a rat hole.
Something all students will have to realize is this: There is not a perfect place out there. You are going to have to compromise on something, and no matter how you bitch and moan, it's just the way things are, Skippy.
To save yourself a lot of stress, you are going to have to prioritize what's most important to you in finding a place. Whether it is your location's proximity to a liquor store, a nook like the dream home of Cory and Topanga, or ample space to store your ever-expanding collection of Full House memorabilia, you are going to have to decide what you can and cannot live without.
And though the leather jacket that Uncle Jesse wore in episode 132, A Very Tanner Christmas,"" may be sweet; not having heat, water or walls may detract from its sheer awesomeness.
Doors, walls and windows are pretty basic expectations, so it's the little things you have to keep in mind when beginning your apartment tours. Look for space, structural integrity and lack of feces stains on the wall. All are details that could make one apartment a better deal than the next.
Another thing to keep in mind while touring the wide world of apartments is the neighbors. This is a lot harder to consider since the people living next door now may not be the same ones who would be in close quarters with you next year.
Listen for heavy-footed folks upstairs and loud talkers downstairs. If you can faintly hear the delightful melody of the violinist who lives in Apartment 7 now, there is a good chance you will be able to hear the drunken guys playing ""Rockband"" for hours on end next year.
Learn from my mistake; don't subject yourself to listening to ""Don't Fear the Reaper"" sung seven times in a row by the same no-talent clown who leaves pizza boxes on your porch all the time. Pay attention to the neighborhood so you at least feel safe marching over in your pajamas at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday, threatening to shove a fake drumstick up someone's ass.
With these simple pieces of advice, I send you out into the free-for-all that is the housing search in Madison. There will be backbiting, fights and under-the-table deals for that kind of shady place above that one restaurant on State Street. But if you persevere, prioritize and don't collapse into a weeping, desperate mess, you'll make it, kiddo.
Oh, and if you sneak the place I'm looking at from under my nose, I will tell my neighbors your address, and send them and their ""Rockband"" set over. Hope you like Blue Oyster Cult.
Still need more apartment advice? E-mail Megan at mcorbett2@wisc.edu.
