It's that time of the year again. The weather is getting colder, classes are getting more difficult, Halloween is here and Top Chef"" is starting! With the new season of my favorite show on TV approaching - Nov. 12, set your Tivos - I've been thinking a lot about what it would be like if I ever got my chance to be on this culinary masterpiece. Here's what I would bring to the table:
Actual skill
After telling the casting crew all about my technical skill and precision, I would immediately be put on the show. They would be dazzled by my stories, like the one about the time my mom taught me how to make corn. ""Ariel, all you have to do is put it in a bowl, wrap it and then microwave it for 10 minutes."" I guess one could assume that when I tightly wrapped the corn in tinfoil and watched the sparks fly, my culinary dreams burnt out. But I considered it more of a learning experience.
All jokes aside, I really do have excellent knife skills. I can cut a Funfetti cake up late-night, making sure that everyone gets an equal piece. I can also perfectly skin a cucumber with just a knife, since I have no patience for peelers.
I am a perfect microwave technician, too. Veggie burgers have never tasted better than when I prepare them. My wok skills are more than ample; come over and taste my fried rice. I can assemble the most complex salads in record time, all while being quirky and endearing for the cameras.
Style
I don't have a faux-hawk, so if you've watched ""Top Chef"" before, you might say that I have a disadvantage. However, my spiky-haired nemeses would have nothing on me. Physical appearance aside, it's all about having your own personal flair that sets you apart from the rest. I'm no molecular gastronomist, so I wouldn't make habanero foams or ras el hanout gelées. And tapioca caviar is so not my thing. My style is much simpler.
I'd like to consider myself a soul- food master - the end-all opinion when it comes to excellent french fries and the perfect cheese curd. Maybe they'll call me a barfood-ologist or a greasy-spoon gastronomist if you want to get technical. I mean, I'm going to be so famous afterward, so I'll need my own category.
Of course, I'd add some flair to my standard but succulent favorites in order to be ""Top Chef""-worthy. And I'll never turn my back on the ingredient that make all things scrumptiously greasy.
Everyone will know that I'm out to reinvent our preconceived notion that elegant food should only be the comestibles we can't pronounce. If Padma or any of the other judges tells me differently, it'll just add fuel to my fire (oven flame in this case), and I'll get cooking to prove them wrong.
I can see it now. My take on the classics - Pokey Sticks made with gruyere, organic vegetables and a cornmeal crust; lobster and scallion macaroni and cheese bites; Zanzimint and peppermint schnapps soufflés? I'm hungry just thinking about these genius ideas.
Gameplay
I feel like many contestants from the past seasons forget that first and foremost, ""Top Chef"" is a competition. For my one-track mind, which is usually fixed on food, this would never be an issue. I know given the chance, I would play this game straight to the finish line with Richard Hatch-like conniving expertise.
Being in a kitchen never gets me down, even if I would have to cook all night like they did last season for ""wedding wars."" Let's be honest, a late night in the kitchen could only mean I'll be reclusively hiding my gluttonous ""Top Chef""-winning self in the walk-in fridge, sabotaging the other contestants by eating all the freshly rolled out pasta. That would make for some great TV.
Foodgasm
Here's the kicker that would really set me apart from the rest of the pack. Only certain people have actually experienced the foodgasm, and if you're engineered to be a top chef like I know that I am, you will definitely need to be able to savor your creations in a state of euphoric foodgasming bliss. Maybe you've felt it - a need to pause after taking the first bite of ice cream cake just to allow your mind to process how unbelievably good it tastes. All my food will send everyone foodgasming in the same direction: crowning Ariel Kraut the winner of ""Top Chef: Season 6.""
After ""Top Chef,"" I'll take the money, live my dream and open my own restaurant. It'll be a diner with a classic interior and obnoxious waitresses, just like at home. I'll call it The Foodgasm, and it will be lit up Americana style with neon signs.
Sam Talbot from season two will come to check it out, and then we'll get married. He'll make me french fries on our honeymoon. ""Diners, Drive-ins and Dives"" will devote an entire episode to my place. And everyone will remember me as the girl who changed stuffy, uptight gourmet into greasy, easy goodness - all thanks to the Bravo network.
If your friends aren't taking you seriously in your ""I like it on Top Chef"" costume, ask Ariel for some tips by e-mailing her at akraut@wisc.edu.
