Ed. Note: David is on vacation. Filling in is this dude, Davis Scrottinger.
Dear Davis: What hot new gadgets out there could make the college grind a little more manageable?
-Trey, Near Gumby's
Wonderful question, Trey. If there is one thing that is going to save the human race from self-destruction, it's technology. At least, now it is. And if there is one thing that proves this, it's those fantastic SkyMall magazines they put in the back of airplane seats. I was lucky enough to come upon one of these portable bazaars for your credit cards just last week. On my way home from the Deep South (Ann Arbor, Mich., Trey. You wouldn't believe how backward things are down there), I sat mesmerized for 75 minutes as I beheld all the marvels of man's ingenuity laid before me in glossy bold typeset. With each turn of the page, my senses were bombarded by an unrelenting barrage of wondrously innovative contraptions, each more astonishing in its practicality and reasonable in its pricing than the last.
It is hard to do justice to some of the out-of-this world gizmos I saw that day without those fantastic pictures. The men who dreamed those things up had to be of Edisonian stock and Ron Popeilian vision. For instance, imagine my incredulity when in the Health & Wellness"" section of the magazine I discovered the Swimmer's Ear Eliminator, the world's first rechargeable ear-dryer. If only I had invested the $99.95 plus shipping in such a thing years ago, Trey! I would have avoided at least eight instances of vigorous head shaking. And my disbelief's suspension was only extended when I turned the page to find that, for the exact same price, I could be the lucky owner of the TableTop Photo Studio, the first-ever product to combine the joys of still photography with the wonders of small-portableness. Trey, just think of all the places I could take that photo studio... practically anywhere with a table! And I almost shit the seat when I saw a few pages later that for just $14.95, and 20 more for rush delivery, Poop FreezeA,Ar, the life-changing chemical spray capable of chilling animal waste to -62A,A°F (creating an outer ""crust"" that enables you to quickly place in a baggie and dispose of discretely), would be waiting on my doorstep when I got home. (I can say with confidence that yes, Trey-bomb, it works on human waste as well.)
I could go on. Suffice it to say, though, that I never realized how much my life sucked until this magazine told me how many things I was still doing on my own, when there were a zillion do-hickies and whatchamacallits out there waiting to do them for me. Yet, for all the shock and awe those pages held in store for me, none so brought my prior conception of the world to rubble as the moment I realized the seat back in front of me contained a phone from which I could call in my 21st century-possessions-overhaul mid-flight.
I'll have to buy more CDs and install an indoor Jacuzzi before I can enjoy all the fruits of this fortuitous occurrence, T-Rey, and to be technical, the contents of the eight crates of things SkyMall was kind enough to ship that day are still the property of a certain Mr. Visa until I get ahead on my massive credit card debt, but at present I am without a doubt the proud owner of a healthy appreciation of what progress has brought us: A whole bunch of things that can do exactly one thing and do that thing pretty alright.
As to which of these love-children from the holy union of science and capitalism would be best fit to give the old college try for you, I'll admit it's a tough decision. My guess is that it would be some kind of sticky thing that you use to stick your cell phone onto something you lose a lot but really need so that every time the phone rang you would find the other thing. After reading SkyMall, I'm sure it's been invented; check the infomercials on late night.
Need any tips or advice? Wonders of the universe explained? E-mail your college questions to dhottinger@wisc.edu.
