Editorial Note: David is out sick with lung issues. Davis Scrottinger has graciously agreed to fill in.
Dear Davis,
I've watched all the campaign ads, but now I'm just confused! I wish I could vote for both - who's my pick in November?
-Irene, College Court
Important inquiry, Irene. Because we've lost our religion in America, we need to lean on things like voting and football all the more. Although some idiots might tell you that it's not important who you vote for just so long as you vote, since they are idiots it probably means they're wrong about that. Voting is like a math problem, Irene - there's a right answer and a wrong one. The whole point of an election is to see which Americans are right and which are wrong, even if it takes four to eight years to figure it out. It keeps us competitive, and competition, along with Hooters, is what makes America great. Now, since it's a test of sorts, that makes you, Irene, my civic opponent in the struggle to see who is right and who is dumb. So I can't just give away the right answer; that'd ruin the grading curve. And be dumb. But that doesn't mean I can't point you in the right direction.
The first step in deciding who to vote for is to get to know the candidates. Just like you wouldn't buy an apple at the fruit stand without taking a bite first to see if it was mushy, you wouldn't want to tell someone to go be president until you've played 18 holes of golf with the guy and had a drunken wrestling match (after you've friended him on Facebook, of course). Now ever since the U.S. passed over 200 on the population bar graph, that first part has gotten pretty difficult to schedule in, plus I don't think McCain's arms were made to swing a golf club and Obama's been known to pull the hate-crime card after a friendly scrum. So we have to improvise.
Watching campaign ads is a great way to get a handle on the issues, but just like you said, Irene, you come away from them thinking both the candidates are so darn likeable. And evil. So instead I like to forget about the men themselves and focus on the ideologies - and pocketbooks - behind them.
And to do that, Reeny, you need to know a thing or two about what I like to call Politics in America.""
In the middle school mixer known as Partisan Politicking, there are two super fat kids hogging the entire dance floor. The awkward partners in this intricate dance have gone by many names: Democrat and Republican, Liberal and Conservative, Idiot and Asshole. But it'll simplify things a whole lot if I just refer to them by what they're each after: Big Government and Big Business. They may step on each other's toes every once in a while and it's not always clear who's taking the lead, but these two have been grinding on each other for most of the dance. Every election day, it's our job to imagine that things went well for them that night.
Maybe a little too well, because one thing has led to another and a little ways down the road we find Big Government and Big Business ensnared in a nasty drawn-out divorce and it's time to decide who gets custody of the children.
As parents go, they're a little depraved. They only care about themselves and therefore they're both desperate to get the kids, but for all the wrong reasons. Big Business is a demanding scrooge; he wants the children to go to work, for him, and for cheap. Big Government is a controlling wench; she thinks she has to do everything for her kids, including managing their money. Poppa B wants to get fatter off the sweat of the children; Mama G by making them hand the allowance dad doles out over to her. If only they could work things out, they could really have us by the balls, slaving away at the shop for Pop so we could pay Ma to do all the things we could do better ourselves.
Our only hope is to vote into office a family court judge who will be so blind and unfair that no matter how the case is decided, the two will hate each other enough to never speak again.
And that, Reenster, is what we look for in the next president: blindness and partiality. If all goes well and Americans like you do your homework, we'll have four more years of deadlock and two hauls every Christmas to look forward to!
Davis will return to answer more College Questions as needed. E-mail dhottinger@wisc.edu if you've got one.
