The summer movie season is finally reaching its end, which means most of your movie appetites have been sated with plenty of big-budget fare, ranging from the superheroes (Batman,"" ""Iron Man,"" ""Hellboy"") to the jokesters (""Zohan,"" ""Tropic Thunder,"" ""Pineapple Express"").
Now, studios attempt to sneak in the movies which may have seemed like a good idea at some point - perhaps when they were drunk - but now enter theaters with more negative buzz than a nest of chronically depressed hornets. Anna Faris as an ex-Playboy Bunny turned sorority den mother in ""The House Bunny""? Pass. Three high school kids - a fat one, a skinny one and a nerdy one - get ready for the big leap in the cleverly-titled ""College""? I saw that movie once already, and it was called ""Superbad."" A bunch of computer-generated talking dogs who love to just chill out, max and relax in ""Beverly Hills Chihuahua""? Ay Caramba!
Yet none of these movies make me cringe, make me stew, make me scream to the Heavens, ""Why hast thou betrayed me, Jesus?"" more than ""Disaster Movie."" The mere fact that this movie (and its predecessors) exists at all boggles the mind. The ""Movie"" genre started off innocuously enough with ""Scary Movie,"" a fun, albeit low-budget send-up of slasher films like ""Scream"" and ""I Know What You Did Last Summer,"" among others. The Wayans brothers, who have shown a knack for getting laughs out of the lowest form of movie (see ""White Chicks"" and ""Little Man""), directed, wrote and starred in this movie with reckless abandon, introducing the world to the aforementioned Anna Faris.
Fast-forward to 2005, when Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, billed as ""two of the five writers of ""Scary Movie,"" brought us ""Date Movie,"" a forgettable film with little to no plot and a wasted effort from the chronically underappreciated Alyson Hannigan.
Despite overwhelmingly negative reviews, ""Date Movie"" debuted in the No. 1 spot at the box office and made $49 million domestically. Anxious to build on the film's success, Seltzer and Friedberg moved onward and upward with ""Epic Movie,"" which functioned under the loose premise of parodying big-budget behemoths, but in reality mixed in the most relevant and hip pop culture references of the moment. Soon, it seemed as if there was a new ""Movie"" movie each month, with the equally atrocious ""Meet the Spartans,"" ""Superhero Movie"" and now ""Disaster Movie,"" which appears to have little to no real plot, but plenty of Paris Hilton, Batman and Harry Potter caricatures sure to send the LOLmeter into ROFL territory.
The inexplicable success of Seltzer and Friedberg leads me to wonder: What can be next in this sorry excuse for a movie franchise? ""Tragic Movie""? ""Dramatic Movie""? Or, these two sorry excuses for directors could do us all a favor and try their hand at truly unexplored territory by making ""Funny Movie."" Think of it now, oh faithful readers. No cross-dressing ""Sex and the City"" characters, no sassy midgets and no scenes that read like this actual excerpt from ""Disaster Movie.""
Iron Man: ""I am Iron Man!"" (Then gets flattened by cow).
Maybe I'm asking for too much, but as a note to Hollywood producers everywhere, I'd appreciate it if I didn't have to descend into a fallout shelter at the end of August every year while you shower the unassuming public with this cinematic filth. ""The House Bunny""? Bad. ""College""? Worse. ""Disaster Movie""? The cherry on top of the shit sundae known as the end of the summer movie season.
If you have a better recipe for a sundae and would like to share it with Kevin e-mail him at kevslane@gmail.com.
