Every fall, it takes time to adjust to being back in school. For students who spent their break in an exciting new place or working a great summer job, the transition is even harder. Since I fit into both categories, you'll have to forgive me if I spend a bit of time reminiscing about my dream internship in hell.
You might think hell would just let anybody in, but the competition for internships is incredibly intense. When I got a letter back in May welcoming me to the Department of Infernal Resources for the summer, I felt like I'd died and gone to heaven.
Of course, I had all the usual nerves about the new people I'd be meeting. Fortunately, if there's one lesson I learned over the summer, it's that people in hell are just like you and me!
Mr. Screwtape, my internship director, was really cool and let me try out all kinds of different jobs.
Some days I worked as a Tempter (although they call them Caseworkers"" now). As an ""Acolyte-in-Training,"" I only got assigned to people that other Caseworkers had already been handling for months. As such, I was usually stuck with the same sins they'd already been working on. Tempting the larcenous is fine - that is, if you enjoy standing behind a group of teenagers at Hot Topic whispering, ""Steal it now! While the cashier is adjusting her nose ring,"" and just generally looking like an idiot.
Other times, it was tricky. How, exactly, do you drive someone to a life of usury? (""I want you to enroll in some FIIIIINANCE CLASSES at the COMMUUUUNITY COLLEGE..."")
Most sinners are a lot more fun, though. I fell into a bit of an attendance problem dealing with the ""intemperate"" (never try to out-drink a 260-pound dockworker on a weeknight), but every time I saw someone fall down and prostrate themselves before the altar of a false god, I knew that I was making a difference.
Most of the time, I worked as a greeter. Every day, I'd meet a new group of simonists, blasphemers and gluttons, direct them aboard the ferry and then welcome their reprobate souls into hell with some informal remarks and a brief Q&A session. The script they had me read from was kind of dreary, but I always tried to liven it up by ad-libbing and thinking up some good questions to break the ice.
""So, what brings everyone here today?"" I'd ask. On most days, about half of the group would just keep on shaking and muttering to themselves while everybody else stared up at the sky - which, as always, was on fire. ""Why don't we go around the boat and have everyone say what they're most excited to do while they're in hell?""
It could get a little dull explaining the same things to every group, but I had to remind myself that with all the new things to see and experience in hell, these people were probably feeling a little self-conscious, maybe even a little frightened. I'm sure I was just as nervous on my first day of work as they were the first time they saw a man painfully morph into a snake and then savage another man's abdomen.
Of course, hell does have its imperfections, just like any other workplace. They're really particular about titles (always ""Lord Mammon,"" and never ""Mr."" or ""CFO and Co-Founder""), and there's a company incantation that I had to memorize, even though I don't know any Latin. Also, the staff retreat to the Outer Darkness seemed like it was going to last forever until one of the other interns got ripped apart by a pack of jackals. (Later, during reflection time, we agreed that that part did teach us all a little something about teamwork.) I suppose if I could change just one thing, though, it would be the blood.
Now that I'm back in class and staying up late to study once again, it's hard to find time to stay in touch with all the friends I made over the summer.
But even if I get an internship somewhere else next year, I'm sure that we'll all see each other again before too long, and I can't wait to go back!
What are you planning to do in hell? Tell Matt by e-mailing him at hunziker@wisc.edu.
