Call me crazy, but despite the number of summer-movie classics 2008 has begotten, I am not sad to see moviegoing season go by the wayside. The reason? Movie audiences are REALLY annoying. Here are four inept moviegoers that have soured my theater enjoyment this summer:
1. The Discreet Texter
Despite the hokey '80s theme at the beginning of the movie reminding you to turn your cell phones off, you seem to take this as meaning merely no phone calls."" Instead, you sit directly in front of me, bathing my face in the halcyon glow of your Sidekick as you text your ""girlzzz"" about where you're going to get smoothies after the show. With the tell-tale snap of your closing cell phone I breathe a sigh of relief, only to find, moments later, that you have received another message. Please, for the sake of my sanity, don't even touch your phone during the movie, lest you risk me snapping it in two.
2. The Deadbeat Parent
Here I am, ready to see ""The Dark Knight,"" when suddenly Mr. ""I Only Have the Kids for the Weekend Yet Still Have Nothing Constructive to Do With Them"" enters the theater with his 6 and 8-year-olds. As the opening scenes begin, I hear a variety of complaints ranging from piteous cries that nobody gets their face blown off in the ""Batman"" they watch every Saturday on Cartoon Network, to pestering questions like, ""Daddy, how did the Joker make that pencil disappear?"" Try to do something constructive with your kids, Dad, or I'm going to break the golden rule of the theater by using my phone to contact Child Services.
3. Middle Schoolers
Any true summer movie
connoisseur will join in my bemoaning the acne-stricken set. They usually enter the theater with the subtlety of a stampeding bull elephant and in extremely disproportionate gender ratios. As the movie starts, they proceed to yell across the row to friends, make fun of the one kid who managed to bring a girl with him (""Stop frenching, you freaks!"") or crack HILARIOUS jokes during the movie, like making loud flatulence noises in the quieter scenes. I already advocate a three-year boarding school program for the middle school population, but this goes doubly so when it comes to movie viewing.
4. The Applause-o-meter
There is nothing more annoying than sitting in the middle of a movie, hearing a particularly enjoyable line and then having the next three ruined because some mindless drones begin wildly applauding like they're at a Cirque Du Soleil performance. Plus, the ends of most movies are followed by an obligatory round of applause from the audience, as if they're expecting Will Ferrell to walk out from behind the moldy velvet cinema curtains and take a bow. Guess what, clueless moviegoers? The director is not waiting behind the movie screen desperately seeking your input! There is no ""secret shopper"" working for the film industry awaiting a reaction from the audience to gauge the critical success! A hearty chuckle during funny moments in movies is perfectly fine, but smothering any further dialogue by applauding is inexcusable.
So, until cinematic audiences undergo a radical transformation, you're more likely to hear me talking about what was on-demand last night than what was in the theaters this weekend.
Think Kevin should leave movie-house crowd control to A.J. Hawk? Let him know at kslane@wisc.edu.
