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Saturday, June 22, 2024

No. 1 comfort food results in Sophomore Chocolate 10

Everyone handles stress differently. Some continually talk about how much stress they have and then proceed to keep talking about how much needs to be done instead of doing anything about their stress, which results in a higher accumulation of stress.  


Some stop eating all together during stressful times, an approach I have neither understood nor wanted to understand, for that matter. 


For the rest of the world, there is the emotional need food can fulfill. Diving into a pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food feels almost as good as sobbing into your mother's shoulder as you squeak out a Life's so hard!"" or an ""I just want to give up!"" in between mucus-filled sniffles. As finals week rears its ugly head around the corner, a closer examination of comfort food seems necessary.  

Chocolate is the No. 1 comfort food for the female population of this planet. Is this even contestable? I don't believe so.  


The many different forms and textures chocolate can come in to contribute to its No.1 ranking. You can eat it in chip form, in cookies or in dough. It can be frozen, creamed or whipped into dozens of delectable treats. This list could go on longer than Bubba's inventory of forms of shrimp to Forrest, but you get the general idea.  


It is interesting to compare the different emotional effects chocolate has on the two sexes. Living in an apartment with three other girls has opened my eyes to this new phenomenon.  


One male friend commented, more than once might I add, that more chocolate is consumed between our four walls than in most third world countries in one year. I will concede that our chocolate shrine complete with a hollow chocolate Buddha statue the size of a family dog can be unnerving for some, but at least we tore down our devil-worshipping room. I would say that's a step in the right direction, right? 

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There is one major problem with worshipping and consuming chocolate on a daily basis. A middle school acquaintance expressed this downfall very well almost eight years ago. 


As I stuffed a bag of peanut M&Ms into my gaping mouth, I asked my locker buddy Justin if he would like some delectable candy. He stared at my chocolate smeared face, grimaced and declined my offer. Shocked, I tried to comprehend how he could refuse free chocolate. ""Really?"" I responded. ""I guess chocolate is a girl's best friend."" I then shoved another handful into my mouth.  


Justin shuddered in disgust and responded, ""Yeah, until it comes back to bite you in your fat ass."" 

Chocolate flew out of the bag as I laughed, mouth open wide. Then I stopped, thought about what he said and realized how true it was. Justin was ahead of his time when it came to wisdom, and I still respect his views, even though he still lives with his mom and is pursuing a professional Nintendo career.  


The worst downfall of chocolate is also the most feared aspect of aging in general. Throw on the Freshmen 15, add on the Sophomore Chocolate 10 due to the stressful realization that grades actually matter and you're pretty much screwed for life.  

I hope my insurance company is prepared for my potential diabetic induced coma, because I am well on my way to attending Chocoholics Anonymous meetings. As chocolate eases my emotional pains, it paradoxically worsens my physical state. 


I have tried eating chocolate and working out at the same time, but the fitness consultants at the SERF are getting tired of wiping melted Hershey bars off the ellipticals. And I'm personally sick of being looked at like I'm from Mars as all the fit campus women look on in disgust.  


So I have a few fat kid tendencies. No big deal, right? I guess I won't be sharing any chocolate with them. They can find their own emotional comfort somewhere else.  


If you are gaining the chocolate 10 or need someone to share a pint of Ben and Jerry's with as you console yourself over your difficult week of midterms, e-mail Emily at  

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