One of my friends, whose ego is almost as big as his head (which doesn't fit in most standard hats) and who not-so-modestly claims to be a top student,"" is applying for one of the same internships as me. The only difference being he has a better shot at getting it.
When I think about who else is applying for the same positions, I start to sweat profusely. Surely, there are people who are smarter, more cultured and more worldly than I - people who actually know what quantum physics means, who can casually discuss things like existentialism and kamasutra and who know what the E.U. actually does.
Getting a job or an internship shouldn't be all about your ability to successfully pass a few midterms or discuss elitist topics. It's about the talents, the expertise and special gifts you can bring to the table.
But my past experience as a ""former Potbelly's sandwich artist"" isn't exactly boastworthy, so when I sat down to revise my résumé , I knew I had to do something different. Maybe I can't tell you what the capital of Belarus is, but I have a laundry list of other marketable skills that make me a hot item on the prowl for a job.
I decided it was time to showcase, in the form of a kickass cover letter, my real talents that a future boss could actually utilize:
Hey Super Cool Future Big Man (or Woman!) Boss,
I knew it - you're bored. You've just read through 60 résumés and couldn't tell any of the candidates apart from each other. Upstanding universities, respectable GPAs, glossy 8x10 headshots - it's all snooze-worthy.
Well, you're in luck, because I have the real skillz that you need. My resume doesn't just consist of ""experience,"" but actual applicable talents that make me a proficient worker.
1. Last year, as a student newspaper editor, I balanced my work as a journalist, a world-renowned student and a bar-frequenter, all the while fostering unstable relationships with several dysfunctional men, even one with a limp. I was recognized for all of these achievements with awards, gold stars and a drinking ticket.
2. I'm a really good kisser. Several of my professors/bosses have told me so.
3. As a weekly columnist for the student paper, I have been bestowed with a platform to practice my writing, all the while embarrassing myself on a weekly basis. More importantly, it's served as a useful way to acquire free lunches with impressionable young men to discuss the cultural significance of the ""sext"" message.
4. I can make my tongue into a seashell. This makes for a very interesting approach to licking envelopes. It's faster, too.
5. I will gladly dress appropriately for a business environment. I've got a lot of outfits left over from several CEOs and their BIZNAZ HOES frat parties.
6. As a UW-Madison student, I am an accomplished bullshitter. My ability to dump out semi-intelligent work on deadline is proficient.
Plus, I'm extremely adept at multi-tasking: Every morning I sit at my desk and blow-dry my hair, listen to ""Soulja Boy,"" chug a sugar-free Red Bull and peruse the style section of the ever-so-important New York Times online. I still order a paper copy to strategically carry around campus and make favorable impressions on my journalism professors.
I pledge to look just as busy while sitting at one of the desks in your office, twiddling my thumbs and shopping for skinny jeans online.
7. I'm very good at doing extensive research. And by extensive research, I mean Wikipedia.
8. I take orders well. Just don't ask me to make copies. Or phone calls. Or coffee. Or to get up from my desk.
Thank you for reading my list of staggering achievements. I look forward to hearing you from you soon. But no pressure.
Thank you,
Ashley Spencer
If you'd like to employ Ashley for large sums of cash, free food and housing, e-mail her at aaspencer@wisc.edu.
