I've spent my whole life trying to get good grades, be nice to people and somehow avoid failing at life. But whenever I watch some superhero movie or hear about someone saving the world from whatnot, I think about how dull my life is in comparison.
The solution, obviously, is a superhuman alter-ego, but after giving it a lot of thought, I don't think I'd want to be the one saving the world. I'd rather be the villain.
It's just that the superheroes are so cliché. It's always, The world is such a beautiful place, I'm so in love with everyone and my butt looks so cute in my bat/spider/aardvark tights."" Blah. Blah. Blah.
Villains, on the other hand, always display unprecedented ingenuity. To even be penciled into a superheroes date book, a villain must prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that he is capable of total world destruction, or at least taking over a major metropolitan city.
Superheroes only have to stop them, which involves no creativity whatsoever. The villains have to formulate a plan, execute it and fight the resistance. It's no wonder the villains are defeated every time - superheroes only enter the picture at the tip of the iceberg that the villains have constructed. The villains lose not because they're untalented or evil; they're just exhausted.
Villains are generally more powerful, more colorful and overall just more awesome than superheroes, which is why I want a super-villain alter-ego. It's not that I want everyone to die or anything drastic like that, I'd just want to stir things up a bit, make my mark, maybe avenge the box of crayons my parents threw out in the third grade.
She would have light blue skin, purple hair and the ability to fit into every size of every brand of clothing. She'd be irresistible to both men and women, but also really scary, so everyone would have to do what she said all the time even if they had been dating her long enough that they had numbed to her puppy face.
Her superpower, in addition to invisibility, flying, x-ray vision and all that good stuff, would be getting people to give her things. She would just have to look at whoever, bat her eyelashes and whatever she wanted would be hers, free of charge. I'm not talking about just gold and diamonds, I'm thinking countries. You know, start out with something small, like a third-worlder with a tumultuous government, and then move on to all of Europe.
Of course, a sidekick would be mandatory for such presumptuous undertakings. First and foremost, she'd have to be ugly so that I would look even more beautiful in comparison. I'd equip her with at least 250 pounds of extra fat, a few boils scattered all over her face, and replace her genitals with Star Wars memorabilia, just to be mean.
I'd call myself ""Yeah, Just Try To Stop Me Woman"" and name my sidekick ""I'm With Her."" Together, we'd take over the world, one country at a time, and no superhero could stop us because we're just cool like that.
But most importantly, as Yeah, Just Try To Stop Me Woman, I'd make sure that the world saw me for who I was beyond my flaws of evil, world- dominating intentions. Rarely do people consider the villain's perspective. Maybe her parents were really mean to her. Maybe that guy should really have thought twice before he dumped her. Maybe that box of crayons was the only thing she loved in this world.
No, all they can focus on is her murderous temper, destructive nature and all the nations she left in shambles.
While I do recognize that the chances of my villain alter-ego materializing are highly unlikely, sometimes I wonder if Yeah, Just Try To Stop Me Woman is actually flying overhead, and whether or not she'll take the time to stop and check in with her human alter-ego before she becomes the first villain to claim victory over a superhero, and succeed in taking over the world.
If you've put on some weight recently and want to apply to be Kiera's sidekick,e-mail her at wiatrak@wisc.edu.
