\If I am guilty of anything it is of being too trusting of others, wanting to see the best in everyone and being nice to everyone.""
These are the words of Roger Clemens, seven-time Cy Young Award winner and self-congratulatory expert. Poor baby.
During the four-hour circus sponsored by the House Congressional Committee on Oversight and Government Reform last Wednesday, Clemens and former trainer Brian McNamee engaged in a he-said, she-said battle royale.
Why Congress - with an economy that seems to be floundering, American soldiers fighting overseas and a social security crisis looming on the horizon - would waste its time talking about a ""palpable mass"" on Clemens' rear end is beyond me. But the hearing did not fail to entertain.
Clemens decided to play the role of the wounded celebrity-millionaire. ""The Rocket"" stated how he never took steroids or Human Growth Hormone. Shame on his sleazy former trainer, who got his Ph. D. at Wal-Mart-U, for humiliating himself and tarnishing the image of an American icon in the process.
Never mind that former big-leaguer Chuck Knoblauch confirmed what McNamee said. Never mind the fact that Andy Pettitte, a friend and former teammate of Clemens corroborated this former trainer's story.
Yet even in his moment of distress, Clemens remained humble. ""I pride myself as an example for kids, my own as well as others,"" he said.
This is coming from the man who threw a broken bat at former New York Mets catcher Mike Piazza, claiming he thought the severed piece of lumber was the baseball.
Maybe 'roids affected his eyesight.
""I have been blessed with a will and a heart that carry me on in life,"" Clemens stated during the hearing. Yes, and did he mention he also loves apple pie, freedom and cuddly little puppies?
One Congresswoman supported Clemens by claiming, ""I'm sure you'll get into heaven.""
I honestly thought only President Bush held the power to ""heavenize"" American citizens.
Clemens is probably a liar and, to a certain extent, a cheater, but it's not like the ""national pastime"" hasn't been tarnished already.
Mark McGwire didn't want to talk about the past. Sammy Sosa suddenly forgot how to speak English when questioned about his steroid use. And the one guy who claimed he absolutely never used steroids, Rafael Palmeiro, tested positive a few months later.
Add the ever-expanding cranium of Barry Bonds to the equation, and I'm pretty certain there was a ""palpable mass"" festering on the ass of Major League Baseball long before Clemens and his shady legal team arrived in Washington D.C.
So what did we learn from all of this?
Not much, except that Major Leaguers and the members of Congress are really funny people when you get right down to it.
I guess that's just me trying to see the best in everyone.
E-mail reszel@dailycardinal.com.
