There comes a time in every person's life when they have questions about love. Questions like, Is there someone out there for me?"" ""How do I know that I've found The One?"" ""Do I really have to shave my pubic hair into a lightning bolt for virility?""
That is why I've compiled some tips to help you get through this troubling time. Relationship success requires three steps: finding that special someone, convincing them to accompany you on a date and establishing a long-term commitment.
Finding a mate
Discovering the perfect emotional and sexual match is rather difficult.
At times something about a person will just hit you with the force of a bomb and you will know that the person in question is right. It could be their laugh, the way they dress or their detailed knowledge of ""Friends."" And once you've had that initial desire, nothing will stop you - except possibly a restraining order.
It happened to me in a boring lab. I noticed that my lab partner had gone silent. He was leaning against a wall, staring into space. I asked him what he was thinking about and he stirred from his reverie, slowly turning to look at me.
""Stand where I am,"" he said. He moved and I leaned against the wall. I looked around completely nonplussed. He gestured towards the next lab table over and said, ""Take a gander.""
There, framed by a Bunsen burner and an Erlenmeyer flask, was an ass. A perfect ass. A pair of buttocks that curved and flared ever so delicately as their owner shifted their weight back and forth. Jeans emphasized the parabolic arc and whispered tales of the secret joys contained within their tight confines. I gaped, slack-jawed. I knew, right then, that it would become my mission to pursue that gluteus maximus for the rest of eternity.
However, due to quantum physics and a complex series of mirrors, the perfect posterior I was so positively puzzled by was, technically, my own.
Drat.
The first date
The first date is where the magic happens. Although each date varies, most share components such as waiting in line while awkwardly stumbling through conversation, ritualistic consumption of dead carcasses and shared cinematic adventures. The scheduling of these traditional affairs is easy. The execution is not.
While the vast majority of people find themselves too flummoxed to present their best side upon first meeting, we humans make snap decisions that are difficult to overturn. Look at our continued infatuation with Britney Spears, despite the fact that she is now about as desirable as a wild boar.
In order to help you make a good impression, here are some tips for making that first date a success. Follow my advice and you'll be sure to experience the finest of emotional and sexual connections in no time (note for men: when it comes to intercourse, ""no time"" can range from 13 seconds to eight years. Your results may vary).
Be truthful but not a braggart. Be vulnerable but not needy. Be complimentary but not servile. Be clean but not sterile. Be chatty but not loquacious. Finally, try to avoid cinematic adventures of the pornographic variety. Trust me. It's a bad idea.
Marriage: It's too late
So you've found a partner, you've established a long-running series of successful encounters. You've had some sort of sexual experience and you're ready to ""tie the knot.""
Congratulations! The rest of your life will be dull and uninspiring, and you will spend much of it fantasizing about returning in a time machine to that ""magical moment"" and revealing to your partner just how much of a petulant, insipid idiot they will become over the next several years.
But don't worry - our modern society is perfectly accepting of divorces. So just tell your spouse you would rather be married to Britney Spears and start over again. Except now everyone has wrinkles.
Drat.
Keaton is unsurprisingly single. E-mail him at keatonmiller@wisc.edu.
