Mixing athletes and cinema is like mixing a heavy night of drinking with a trip to Yummy Buffet - a tantalizing and seemingly grandiose idea that, unfortunately, never pans out how you hoped.
Wasted money usually results in disappointed head shaking and a feeling of nausea.
For whatever reason, stellar athletes rarely translate their exhilarating in-game personas and performances into tolerable on-screen acting. The ploy has burned audiences and producers so many times you would think we'd seen our last celebrity-athlete feature movie, but, regardless, I have the feeling the chances of Lebron James starring in feature films are roughly on par with his chances of being selected to another All-Star game.
When it comes down to it, if I want to see any blend of athletics and film, I'm going to favor Robert DeNiro channeling Jake La Motta in Raging Bull"" or Leo DiCaprio and Mark Wahlberg in ""The Basketball Diaries"" before I ever consider Howie Long in ""Firestorm"" or Dennis Rodman in ""Double Team.""
That said, I'd like to offer some of the worst and most-tolerable athlete acting performances, as well as two athletes that have legitimate on-screen potential.
The Appalling
Shaquille O'Neal in ""Kazaam""
For simplicity's sake, we'll just focus on one of Shaq's abysmal films. Honestly, what on earth happened here? The tagline for this film reads, ""He's A Rappin' Genie With An Attitude... And He's Ready For Slam-Dunk Fun!""
Idiocy can reach awe-inspiring humor pinnacles. ""Kazaam"" reaches its peak of hilarity when little Max and Shaq have a rap-off and Shaq, stricken by the overacting germ, slams Max, saying, ""That's wack! That's horrible, oh my GOD - that's AWFUL!""
No, Shaq, your film career is.
Ray Allen in ""He Got Game""
I feel especially burdened to call-out Ray Allen because so many consider him one of the best athlete actors. Ray Allen had so many advantages, including the low standards set by other NBA players like MJ, Rodman and Shaq, yet he still managed to vapidly wander around the screen like a zombie in ""He Got Game"" and ""Harvard Man.""
Allen not only had acclaimed director Spike Lee and the Academy-award capable Denzel Washington to work with in ""He Got Game,"" but he was also essentially playing himself or his past experiences in both films - a talented basketball player dealing with pressures involving college basketball.
Watching Allen try to portray an acid trip in ""Harvard Man"" is about as embarrassing as watching the Miami Dolphins.
Do us a favor - leave the acid trips to Depp and Del Toro.
The Tolerable
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in ""Airplane""
Kareem nearly atones for all NBA actors' sins with his subtle humor in this movie. He spends most of the movie claiming not to be NBA legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and the best moment has to be when little Joey questions Jabbar's in-game work ethic, to which Kareem replies angrily, ""LISTEN KID. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.""
Andre the Giant in
""The Princess Bride""
We can debate Andre's status as an athlete later. In this movie, he plays swashbuckling swordsman Inigo Montoya's affable, giant sidekick Fezzik, who has an endearing weakness for creating rhymes.
When mastermind Vizzini grows weary of the rhymes and says, ""No more rhymes now, I mean it,"" Fezzik innocently replies, ""Anybody want a peanut?"" Priceless.
The Prospects
Sam Cassell, L.A. Clippers
Though Rodman's on-court acting never worked for movies, who am I to doubt the NBA's current resident thespian Sam-I-Am? I would argue he should have been in ""Space Jam,"" but not in place of MJ. With his great foul imitations and the face of an alien, Cassell would've fit in perfectly on the Monstars.
Dominic James
This guy's first acting attempt - playing the role of a first-round NBA prospect last summer - failed to impress anybody, including NBA scouts. But I've already seen signs of his improved dramatic abilities. Against the Badgers Saturday, James' emotional juices and acting abilities were firing on all cylinders as he feigned fouls and pretended to be a tough guy in an altercation with Trevon Hughes, clearly channeling Joe Pesci in any gangster movie ever.
E-mail Al at morrell@wisc.edu to talk about bad sports actors.
