There are certain universal questions that mankind has asked for centuries. Who am I? Why am I here? Does a greater power exist, and if He/She/It does exist, why is Charter Communications allowed to oppress poor, defenseless Badger fans?
I don't know the answers to the first two, so I'll focus on the third. The answer is very simple: The Ultimate Creator of the Universe has DirecTV. And from what I hear, the picture clarity is fabulous.
Recently, I've heard quite a few complaints about Charter and the Big Ten Network's inability to negotiate a contract, preventing Badger backers without satellite TV from watching the Ohio State game in the comfort of their living rooms.
By now, all of you have probably heard or read the university's e-mail supporting the BTN, so I thought I would write about Charter's side of the story.
Now, when I say Charter, it is important to note that I am not talking about any local Charter employees who work hard, day in and day out, serving the greater Madison community. I am referring, of course, to the Charter corporate big-wigs"" bravely refusing to be swayed by reasonable and fair offers from the BTN.
So without further ado, here is Charter's corporate response to you, the loyal Wisconsin fans:
Dear warm bodies with money,
It has come to our attention here at Charter Communications corporate headquarters that you are less than pleased that we do not offer the Big Ten Network as part of our basic cable package.
While we deeply regret any inconvenience we may have caused you and will probably continue to cause you in the months to come, we would like to take this opportunity to tell you ...
""Please remain on the line. An operator will be with you shortly. To review your monthly statement, press one. To listen to a different Kenny G song while you hold, press two.""
...Oops, sorry about that. Now where were we? Oh yes, Charter is dedicated to providing the cash-holding beings of Madison with a variety of high-quality entertainment options. But we don't just care about the product, we care about building relationships with you, and, more specifically, your wallets, purses and piggy banks.
We urge you to look at the BTN situation not as a nuisance, but as an opportunity to help the community. By going out to a bar to watch the games on BTN, you're supporting the local economy.
More importantly, there's a chance you might have too much to drink, return home and accidentally order a six-month subscription of our Scottish pornography collection titled ""No Kilts Required.""
Before you, the cash machines of Dane County, become upset because we stubbornly refuse to include the BTN as part of our basic cable package, consider how much better it would be if the BTN was included in some sort of exclusive sports package.
Those who purchased it could hold big parties at their homes and force those without the exclusive sports package to pay to come over and watch the games. In this situation, all the profit would trickle down to you.
We at Charter would also probably turn a small profit by adding the BTN in a separate sports package, but we will probably spend it by making another awful commercial about...
""Please hold while the operator working on another continent takes a more important call than yours. Your business is appreciated. To replay that last Kenny G song, press four. To upgrade your cable package to include HBO, Showtime or the Cinemax original series 'No Kilts Required,' press five.""
Again, we apologize for the interruption. As we were saying, you should carefully consider whether you truly need the BTN. Did you really want to watch Wisconsin play the No. 1 team in the country last Saturday? What about those 19 UW men's basketball games that will be on the BTN? Wouldn't you rather watch Dick Vitale scream about diaper dandies in the ACC on ESPN?
Many of you may have heard rumors that smaller cable providers in cities such as Mount Horeb, Dodgeville and LaCrosse have negotiated deals with the BTN. Please take note that Charter is an ever-expanding corporate juggernaut bent on sucking the life out of any competitor. It is only a matter of time before we swallow up these ""rogue cable providers"" and once again make wild demands intended to serve our own interests.
So in conclusion, we, the almighty gods and goddesses of Charter, don't really care how you feel about the BTN. We own you. Have a nice day.
Sincerely,
Your omniscient cable overlords
Well there it is folks, in black and white. And between you and me, I think they have some pretty good points. Granted this letter was not written by a Charter representative, but, if they ever had to tell the honest truth, I think its a pretty accurate account of what they'd say.
If you think Ryan's cable will be cut by tomorrow night, press one. If you think he is in danger of waking up in a bag in Lake Mendota, e-mail him at reszel@dailycardinal.com.
