Mercenaries used to be cool. Soldiers of Fortune. Men of Opportunity. Bounty Hunters. Spike Spiegel. Jayne Cobb. Boba Fett. But recently, mercenaries - in the form of an organization called Blackwater - have lost some of their sheen.
Blackwater, based out of North Carolina, is a private security contractor providing security details for U.S. diplomats and officials in Iraq. Most of its income comes from no-bid contracts awarded by the federal government, and most of its staff is ex-military - either from the United States or abroad.
Recently, the company has come under heavy fire from Congress for a series of troubling incidents. Last year, a Blackwater employee was accused of killing an Iraqi vice-presidential guard while drunk.
More recently, a Blackwater convoy was accused of an unprovoked attack allegedly killing up to 17 Iraqi civilians. Additionally, the FBI is currently investigating the company for alleged smuggling of arms to a Kurdish terrorist group.
While Blackwater's personnel have been characterized by news agencies across the globe as mercenaries,"" Erik Prince, founder of the company, dislikes the term. He prefers to call his personnel ""loyal Americans,"" which is a bit like rejecting the term ""prostitute"" and preferring instead ""late-night libido service professional.""
But the sad truth is most of the members of Congress haven't been there. They haven't had the terrifying experience of being up close with some of Blackwater's ""loyal Americans."" I, however, made the mistake of hiring Blackwater to cater my last birthday party. I can't really remember why - I was pretty drunk.
It started out well: They offered a four-course meal with an open bar and live entertainment, as well as security at the door - all for only $400,000 per guest. I became suspicious, however, when the security detail brought along several extra M16 rifles as party favors. They said it was all in good fun, and they could ""control any unauthorized firing incidents,"" so I paid it no heed and enjoyed the kick-ass entertainment: Lifehouse. I wouldn't exactly say they rocked the town, but they did at least shake the patio a little bit.
Everything seemed to be going well until there was a scuffle at the front door. When my cat returned from a quick trip outside, she surprised the bouncer on duty. Having enjoyed the bar a little too much, he thought my poor kitty was an insurgent gate-crasher and shot her. And 16 of my friends - just in case.
Now, not to worry, they gave me condolence remunerations - in the form of a $10,000 check. They were originally going to give me $100,000, but they feared I would be too tempted to make new - shootable - friends to cover a 60"" plasma-screen TV.
While I have vowed to never hire Blackwater again, the government was not as stern. Despite calls from Iraqi officials and members of Congress to fully remove Blackwater from Iraq, the feds have refused. Instead, their brilliant solution to the Blackwater dilemma is supervision.
In the future, the State Department will be sending officials to monitor the company's operations. Instead of just canceling the contract - citing unprofessional conduct because, hey, it's the government - they're going to spend more money to find out if spending our money is worth it.
Of course, if Blackwater is expelled from Iraq, we'll need to find other jobs for them across the United States. I can think of a few things they could do for us right here in Wisconsin. Maybe, instead of diplomats, Blackwater employees can escort John Wiley down State Street whenever there's an anti-Adidas protest.
Since ""drunk and disorderly"" fits the description of hunters across the state, we could send Blackwater out into the north woods to take care of the Chronic Wasting Disease problems.
Perhaps Blackwater could provide a few good men to protect Wisconsin's end zone, as insurgent, college-educated rebels from across the country seem to have little problems infiltrating that supposedly high-security area.
Or maybe we could just leave the law enforcement and protection jobs to the police, and the military situations to the military.
How would you like to help make Keaton $10,000? E-mail him at keatonmiller@wisc.edu about this exciting opportunity!_
