So I was poking around the Internet for something interesting to talk about in this week's column and I stumbled across a gossip site about popular musicians and their personal woes. Normally I'd scramble to hit Apple+Q as fast as possible in this kind of situation, but (I'm ashamed to say) I found myself unable to stop scrolling through the stories. Finally I gave in, got a bag of Doritos, and settled in to really catch up on my celebrity gossip. So this week, instead of a history lesson or a CD review or a political gripe session, let's gossip:
Urban Warfare
The first story that jumped out at me was one about Keith Urban, the popular country musician who recently filed a lawsuit against Keith Urban. Read that sentence again""you didn't make a mistake.
Yes, Keith Urban, the Australian musician, is suing Keith Urban, the New Jersey based painter. Why? Well, because Keith Urban (painter) has a website, aptly located at www.keithurban.com, and on this website, Keith Urban (painter) writes: You have reached the site of Keith Urban. To those who don't know, oil painting is one of my hobbies."" The website then encourages visitors to browse an online gallery of Keith Urban original paintings and, for a nominal price, purchase them.
Keith Urban (musician) is pretty unhappy about this. In the lawsuit, he says that Keith Urban (painter) is misleading people into believing that the paintings by Keith Urban (painter) are actually by Keith Urban (musician) and making money off of his (Keith Urban [musician]) name recognition. I have a sneaking suspicion that Keith Urban (painter) is about to lose the $75 he spent on his domain name.
Diplomatic Talks With Syria a ‘Pipedream,' according to OK! Magazine
Britney Spears, who I guess sort of qualifies as a musician, has apparently been dumped by a guy who had only been dating her for a month. According to OK! Magazine (second only to The New York Times in its credibility), ""Jason [that's the guy] was looking to get out of the relationship for a while...It was a bit much for him. There was a lot of drama""it was too much of a whirlwind."" Aside from reporting the same piece of information three times in two sentences, OK! also reported that perhaps some of the ""whirlwind"" activities included""wait for it""same sex orgies at Spears' residence.
Being a responsible journalistic outlet, OK! confirmed the story several times, each time from the same individual. This individual's name is Omar Sharif (who, incidentally, shares the name of a terrorist kingpin on ""The West Wing""), a friend of her ex-husband (who, incidentally, shares the same name as a popular Italian pasta entrée) who claims that Britney has been indulging in some pretty Bacchanalian revelries recently, including""wait for it""a possible relationship with porn star Jenna Jameson.
Kiss the Chef (but avoid grease splatters)
Christina Aguilera, who is married and definitely not having relationships with porn actresses, recently told Ellen DeGeneres (who's gay!""but you didn't hear it from me) that she and her husband have instituted a rather unusual rule in their house. Every Sunday, both of them have to be naked. All day. Aguilera says, ""You have to keep marriage alive, spice it up...We do everything naked. We cook naked."" While I know people who would salivate at the thought of this, I can't help but be reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry is no longer attracted to his girlfriend because he sees her attempt to open a can of pickles in the nude. It seems to me that no matter how sexy your significant other is, watching them stir-fry an Oriental Express Freezer Pack has got to be a bummer on the libido.
