A bird recently flew into my window and was dead on contact. Normally this would be a sad, somber affair. However, this was not a standard bird-smash-window event. Most of those don't occur when the bird is covered in Szechwan sauce.
It occurred when I was in my room, dutifully studying (watching episodes of ""Lost"") when I heard a thudding noise against my window. Since my building is roughly 15 feet away from the nearest building, I knew a bird couldn't have flown into my window unless it was some sort of handicapped bird, and that in and of itself is a sad event.
When I looked out my window, I saw a bit of Szechwan Chicken and some rice. I also saw my neighbors from across the alley quickly ducking back into their abode.
I'd been attacked, and my neighbors had perpetrated the event.
From what television has taught me, this isn't how the neighbor relationship is supposed to work. They are either supposed to give you kindly advice through your foibles—although you're never able to see the lower part of their face—or they're supposed to strip seductively in front of a shadeless window.
To the best of my knowledge, what my neighbor did qualified under neither of these categories. Although I wouldn't be opposed to someone throwing a chicken erotically, I'm fairly certain that's not what they did.
Because TV had not prepped me for an event of this sort, I improvised by placing a sign in my window which instructed my newest friends to simply ""Fuck Off.""
They did not take kindly to my suggestion.
Instead they retaliated with a fairly standard two-fold response. The first: repeating the statement as a question, then immediately following it up with fold two: repeating it as an exclamation (with a ""No, you"" added beforehand).
They also threw more chicken at me.
I wanted to respond by walking over to their building and knocking on their door. When they'd answer, I'd launch a series of Chinese food at them—chicken, pork, beef; heck, I might even venture into Tofu projectiles, as long as they splattered well.
After my onslaught, I'd run away, letting out guffaws bordering on cackling.
The only problem with a plan as perfect as this is that I knew it would just lead to escalation. Also, if I tripped during my escape, it's very possible these neighbors could have tracked me down and done horrible things to me. If they're callous enough to throw chicken at a random stranger's room, they're just as likely to engage in cannibalism, and I didn't want to test them.
No, that plan of attack would benefit nobody. But I'll retaliate in my own fashion. I figure if they don't live up to their neighborly duties, I'll ignore mine. If they ever ask me for worldly advice, I'll respond only in the form of knock knock jokes and puns.
Also, if I ever feel the need to shake my hot booty in front of the window, I'm going to make certain the shade is shut! Only then will my neighbors repent from their devious chicken-throwing ways.
