The first thing that went through my mind when I picked up a copy of Paul Joannides' hefty, 800-plus page book entitled ""Guide to Getting It On!"" was that I needed to call my publisher: We were going to have to come up with another title for my upcoming autobiography.
The next thing, of course, was a question: Is this book really a complete guide to all things frisky and fun? There was really only one way to tell—compare this manual to another exhaustive library on the subject. Fortunately, I had just finished ""Jane Eyre"" and was looking for something else to read.
I stroked through its stiff, coarse pages, which gradually began to give way under my caresses. The chapter headings were bold and exciting, made up of words that penetrated your mind and excited your imagination. ""Intercourse—Horizontal Jogging,"" ""The Zen of Finger Fucking"" and ""Balls, Balls, Balls"" all competed for my attention, but the chapter on fingering won out.
Turning to page 151, I read over Joannides' advice on the art of putting your pointer in a pussy. Most of the advice fell into the ""usual suspects"" category, advising men to take it slow, use lubrication, watch her do it to herself first and of course, finding the clit. Only a few bits of advice caught the attention of this seasoned pro—getting my wrist into the fray was a thought that had never occurred to me.
Joannides' approach to this familiar topic was casual yet authoritative. When he reprimands rough men, he writes, ""[some men] attack a women's clitoris as if it were a broken doorbell button, believing the harder they push it the closer she gets to the big ‘O.'"" If my funny bone had been a clit, I would have been tickled to ecstasy.
Chapters on ""Horny & Disabled"" and ""Sex During Pregnancy"" were informative, but during numerous other sections I couldn't help but feel Joannides was pandering to his readers. Bringing bug repellant when you're going to boink in the forest? Obviously. And when writing on eating fruits and desserts off of a lover's body, he actually bothers to warn people to keep sugars out of the vagina. Tell me something I don't know, Mr. Joannides. But the picture of two tyrannosauruses having sex on page 790 was greatly appreciated.
The only real drawback in this book is the weird drawings. A picture of a couple in the shower with the shower head taking a trip down under looks more like two people melting from nuclear holocaust.
Not to mention the illustrations of rim jobs just didn't come to life the way they should have. And the picture showing some freaks with their peehole not on the tip of their penis, but on the shaft, was just disgusting.
All in all, ""Guide to Getting It On!"" is a wonderful book full of detailed, easy-to-read advice on penises, the vag and everything they can do together, by themselves or with friends from the same team. It is essential reading for any of Mother Nature's creatures—though Joannides skimps big time in the chapter about nailing animals. Still, this is a fucking good book about just that: fucking good.
