Nearly three years ago I made a pact with some friends from my hometown that we would oust our U.S. representative, Dennis Hastert. Since the prospects of an 18-year- old upsetting a senior, 10-term Congressman (who also happens to be two heartbeats from the presidency) in a district so conservative it makes Rush Limbaugh look like Karl Marx, it seemed rather unlikely. I tabled the idea until further notice.
Then, Congressman Mark Foley had an ""overly friendly"" conversation with a teenage boy, and it was revealed that Speaker Hastert may have covered up Foley's deviant, pedophilic tendencies for months, perhaps even years. Knowing that Republicans simply can't resist a chance to shoot themselves in the foot, I decided I had the bait I needed.
I contacted ""Denny"" for an interview, but for some reason his secretary gave me his personal screen name and told me I should contact him later that evening for an instant message chat. I thought that was kind of weird, but how do you say no to a guy who's as lovable as a teddy bear? Here are the SHOCKING excerpts from the conversation that ensued.
GRODR: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me Congressman Hastert.
Jdh54: No problem, I love doing constituency ""services."" ;) You can call me Denny, it really gets me going. Wait, you've never been a congressional page have you?
GRODR: Well I've never been a page. I was an intern once, but I heard that can get you into even more trouble.
Jdh54: Yeah you're right. Interns are bad. As a matter of fact I remember when I voted to impeach that Clinton fella. That man was a deviant.
GRODR: Don't you think it's a bit hypocritical to impeach one guy and try to cover up another guy for perhaps over a year, just because he belongs to your party?
Jdh54: I used to be a high school wrestling coach. What are you wearing? Be descriptive.
GRODR: Umm...I don't see why that matters, but some jeans and a T-shirt...look Denny I think you are being a little too friendly. We saw what happened with Mr. Foley.
Jdh54: Fine, just ruin my mental picture. What are you doing right now?
GRODR: I just put on some gloves because my roommate won't let us turn on the heat. I think he's a penguin.
Jdh54: Love to slip them off of you.
GRODR: ...Moving on. The election is coming up on Tuesday, how do you think this issue will play in the minds of voters?
Jdh54: Look, Democrats are only putting this forward to advance their own political agenda.
GRODR: I see. So then the Republican agenda is to...hide pedophiles amongst their ranks?
Jdh54: I was a wrestling coach for several years. I'll bet I could put you in a ""full nelson.""
GRODR: I'm pretty sure that's illegal, but thanks anyway, Denny.
