If anyone would like to converse with Jane Austen, noted author of ""Emma"" and ""Pride and Prejudice,"" I'm the one to talk to, because she has started e-mailing me.
However, you must be forewarned, I think her death nearly 190 years ago had a somewhat negative effect upon her. Instead of being the happy-go-lucky comedienne of errors we all know her for, she's gotten much darker, and much more into Japanese pornography.
No, I haven't rigged up a Ouija board to my computer, and I'm relatively certain I didn't see this occur on an episode of ""Fraggle Rock."" This was the real deal, this was Ms. ""Sense and Sensibility"" herself trying to bring me into the fantastical world of bukkake.
Don't worry, I'll explain.
On Saturday morning, I opened up my e-mail and was hit with the expected wave of spam. But one mailing caught my eye. The subject was ""Mirror writer muscle making."" I knew this was spam, but I knew there were certain times when I might need to place a mirror up to my writer muscle making, and this seemed like the perfect way to do it.
The body text of the e-mail read ""could not help cautioning her in a whisper, not to be a simpleton, and allow her fancy for wickham to"" (please note lack of period).
Aside from this partial quote, it said nothing else. It didn't tell me to enlarge my penis or to sacrifice a virgin on the altar of Count Duckula. It didn't even try to sell me something.
A combination of curiosity and boredom, with heavy focus on the latter, caused me to Google the phrase and find out it came from the Jane Austen opus ""Pride and Prejudice."" It occurred on page 89, to be precise.
Another e-mail, entitled ""pain-worn par collection"" revealed a passage from page 31: ""if you are not so compassionate as to dine to-day with louisa and me, we shall be in danger of composure of countenance, and, except in an occasional glance at elizabeth, requiring no partner in his""
These e-mails came sandwiched between spam for Viagra, stock tips and a bizarre one for mining companies. Oh, and of course, there were ones highlighting the benefits of the aforementioned bukkake.
I realized this couldn't all just be chalked up to coincidence—the e-mails all arrived within minutes of each other.
After some research, I found that quoting old texts is a way to confuse spam filters and allow the intended naughty messages to occur.
This explanation seemed far too easy for me. I knew there was more to the situation. My current working theory is Austen always wanted to get into the spam business, but due to the technical limitations of Britain's internet infrastructure at the time, was not able to do so.
Only when internet access and ability to raise the dead got to their current levels could she live out this dream.
I actually foresee this opening a lot of doors for a lot of dead celebrities. With the power of the Internet, Virginia Woolf could launch her over-the-net stone-selling business, Kenneth Lay could give out stock advice, or Vin Diesel could give online acting lessons (although he'd probably need to die first... and be able to act).
But until more dead celebrities can access the Net, I'll continue to show my support for Austen and her sexual deviancy website, by following any link she sends me.
