The temperature was slowly dropping outside the Kohl Center Friday night and despite my contraband blanket, (which was in turn supplemented by an artificial one of Sunny D and vodka), I couldn't keep my mind off the cold. So, I did what any otherwise normal person who had been sitting in a lawn chair for 11 hours would do—I decided to eavesdrop on the boys next to me.
""Man, I really should've brought my laptop,"" one said to the other. ""I have a whole ton of DVDs that we could've brought and watched."" They looked enviously over at a long extension cord running from a streetlight to a laptop.
""I got ‘Curb,' ‘Seinfeld,' whole ton of stuff back at my apartment.""
They sighed and smoothed down their raingear.
""Yeah, but do you know what I really miss? ‘Laguna Beach.' ‘The Hills' is ok, but, man, this newest season of ‘Laguna' sucks.""
Was it possible that they had just named the most desirable TV viewing list possible? It was funny and clever and not too serious or high-brow. It had comedy, it had drama and was perfectly approachable. I decided to initiate a conversation in order to test my theory.
TV habits are the most effective and efficient character judges possible. Immediately, with the listing of most-recently-watched TV shows— ""favorites"" can be too deceiving and the list is only created to impress—one can decide whether or not to pursue any sort of relationship with a person.
I walked in on my roommate crying once during ""A Wedding Story."" She got caught up in the moment as Christy and John took their cowboy-themed vows, and after that I always made sure to knock before walking into my room at 3 p.m. I should have known she was ""A Wedding Story"" type—slightly high maintenance, spends way too much time on hair and makeup in the morning and squeals.
Have you just watched ""The Ricki Lake Show"" / ""The Maury Show"" / ""Jerry Springer?"" Ooof, you reek of an inability to commit, a lack of self-respect and an odd desire to see people cry. Sensitivity is not your strong point, and one day you will probably be subjected to a lie detector test, claiming that you ain't any baby's daddy.
Can't miss ""Oprah"" / ""Dr. Phil"" / ""Starting Over?"" If you are not otherwise a middle-aged female, then you are seeking to cloak yourself in an air of respectability. You would rather see people actually work out their differences without the use of a security team. You like the occasional, tastefully done celebrity interview and—admit it—you tear up when that little/teenage/adult girl/boy overcomes/triumphs over adversity/makes the basketball team even though he has one arm. Either that, or you are trying to impress the ladies with a false sense of sensitivity.
Daytime isn't the only time that TV shows are useful as a personality barometer. Let's
see, late night—couldn't get that homework done because you were watching ""Elimidate"" / ""Blind Date"" / ""The Fifth Wheel?"" You clearly don't have cable—the dating shows are much better over there—but you find a need to triumph in someone else's ineptness with the opposite sex. It boosts your self esteem to watch embarassing failures. But more importantly: why were you watching that when the Magic Bullet infomercial was on?
And what, you spent last Friday night flipping between the semifinals of ""Celebrity Duets"" and ""Dateline: To Catch a Predator?"" Well, then you apparently are me and are thrilled that Chaka Khan and Carlton from ""Fresh Prince"" won the duets crown.
