You'll have to forgive me for not being completely up-to-date with the comings and goings of the Madison grocery store scene. Call me out of the loop, but until last week, I'd never even heard of Trader Joe's—the new store that opened on Monroe Street last Friday morning with the sort of fanfare usually reserved for the release of a new Star Wars film or the latest installment of Final Fantasy.
According to a story in the Capital Times some people were actually planning to camp outside the store on Thursday night so they'd be the first ones in on opening day. Such is the passion invoked by this grocer. When I rode my bike by Trader Joe's on Friday, the place was jam-packed. Car after car heeded the man with the sandwich board sign proclaiming, ""MORE TRADER JOE'S PARKING IN THE BACK!""
I asked my friend Michael, who had joined me on that bike ride, what the big deal was. He couldn't really explain it, but as a frequenter of the local co-op that isn't likely to last long now that TJ's is in town, he told me he's boycotting the new store.
That was good enough for me. I didn't like the idea of Michael losing his co-op, so I too decided to boycott. My Trader Joe's boycott effectively lasted about 27 hours. Solidarity, it turns out, is much easier when you're single. I say that, because just a day after proclaiming my contempt for the new store, I found out my girlfriend Ang couldn't wait to go.
She asked me to join her for her inaugural visit. I told her I was boycotting. She batted her eyelashes at me. I explained my position. She said she'd cook me dinner. I cracked.
You see, in my life, food is the ultimate bargaining chip. Most of the meals I cook come from a box or a can. If I had to list my culinary influences, Chef Boyardee would be right at the top. My idea of fresh produce is an unopened bag of chocolate-covered raisins. By contrast, Ang is a gourmet. She prefers actual fruits and vegetables and wouldn't think of preparing a meal in the microwave.
So when she offers to cook, I almost always accept the offer. So it was, that just a day after starting, my Trader Joe's boycott came to an end.
I'm usually not difficult in the grocery store. When I was younger, my record was sparkling. Occasionally I attempted to sneak a candy bar or a pack of cigarettes into the cart, but hey, kids will be kids. As long as I got my Capri Sun at the end of the day, I was happy.
But there was no Capri Sun at Trader Joe's. Ang told me they mostly supply their own brand of food, which I find a bit pretentious, not to mention an affront to the Capri Sun drinkers of the world.
As Ang zipped up and down the aisles with the enthusiasm of someone who'd just found her paradise, I shuffled along slowly and looked for reasons to dislike the place. In the frozen food section, two shoppers couldn't hide their exhilaration when they discovered a package of frozen risotto. ""I didn't even know this stuff existed!"" one proclaimed to the entire aisle. ""Wow, that's really awesome,"" I deadpanned. ""Well some of us are actually excited to be here,"" the other said.
Before I could remind them that ""here"" was really just a grocery store, Ang shepherded me away down the aisle. She'd just found a really great head of broccoli and didn't want to ruin a successful shopping experience by letting me die at the hands of a pair of angry rice enthusiasts.
Fortunately, the rest of the trip went off without a hitch. I even bought a jar of peanut butter while I was there. As for Michael's boycott, I guess the only thing that matches the persuasive power of a girlfriend who cooks is a free slice of Trader Joe's pie. So much for solidarity.
