When my freshman year roommate punched the wall next to my face and asked me if I was ""stepping,"" I feared for my life.
This seemed like a not-so-subtle way of saying ""I disapprove of you, and I would like to murder you at some point in the indeterminate future.""
Little did I realize this is actually how roommates bond. It's not a threat of murder; it's a way of saying ""I approve of you, and I would only murder you in the future if it came down to a Star Trekian battle to the death, a la Kirk and Spock.""
In fact, as I've realized in my four years here, roommates are supposed to threaten each other's lives as a way of bonding.
My second year I created a picture of me holding my roommate's severed head with blood dripping down in a fashion that would make Sub-Zero envious. Bonding!
Next, I lived alone for a year, but that didn't stop me from punching up a mirror image of myself every so often. Bonding with self—but not in the sexual fashion.
This year, my roommate Pete and I have taken our bonding experiences to a new level.
One day I might leave a note saying ""I will murder you in your sleep,"" and the next day I might get a note back saying ""Kevin will die a fiery death.""
This can only be matched with a three-panel comic where the first panel has a smiley face labeled ""Kevin,"" the next says ""Why is Kevin smiling?"" and the final one is a picture of me doing a soft shoe atop his clearly labeled tombstone.
Many of these threats are as idle as threats can come, but they still need to exist to aid the roommate relationship.
You're two people thrust together by random chance or choice.
As a way of saying ""don't shave your beard in the entryway"" or ""that erotic poster of ‘Veggie Tales' is somewhat disconcerting,"" a little freak-out is required.
Since it's already October, you're probably either extremely loving or extremely hating your roommate right now. So a little action is required.
One of my friend's roommates rearranged everything in the room by rotating it 27.3 degrees, because he claimed this would ""align with the lunar cycle better."" What a perfect way to let your roommate know A) you're a little bit weird and B) you may or may not be a werewolf.
Another great way I developed to show your roommate who has power is to watch the powerful 1998 docudrama ""Dead Man on Campus"" a lot. A whole lot. At least twice a day. Whenever your roommate is around, make sure to take notes on the film. Study it intently. Randomly mention how you're going to get a 4.0 with little effort. Cackle.
This is the easiest, most subtle way to inform them of their perceived demise. It lets them know you know they exist as a roommate, and you respect them for doing so.
Or, you could just take advantage of their well-known hatred of all things podiatric and place your bare feet on his pillow when he least suspects it. Yeah, he won't know you did it, but it feels surprisingly liberating ... so I've heard.
