If The Badger Herald has ever defeated The Daily Cardinal in their annual football game, no one currently on the Cardinal staff has ever been there to witness it.
""I think I remember my great-grandfather saying something like that might have happened once,"" said retired three-time editor Ben Schultz. ""But then again, he also said he invented fire.""
That idea is almost as preposterous as the notion that the Cardinal could ever be defeated by the lowly Herald. The two sides will nevertheless meet today in what has become a purely ceremonial exercise.
The game invariably ends with one thing every year: complete Cardinal domination.
Though undefeated since at least 2002, the Cardinal did not meet expectations last year, dispatching the Herald by a margin of merely 28 points in a 35-7 victory. The mediocre outcome leaves something more to prove.
""Winning by less than four touchdowns is not acceptable,"" head coach Adam Hoge said.
In an effort to not humiliate the Herald too thoroughly, Hoge cannot be faulted for his modesty; the official Vegas line for this game favors the Cardinal not by 28 points, but a more realistic 63.5.
The Cardinal has assembled a truly fear-inspiring team the national media has dubbed the ""Villains of Vilas,"" but the team isn't worried about the hype, said Editor in Chief Sam-Omar Hall.
""We don't need to be recognized as the greatest of all time. We're content to be known as simply the greatest in the Cardinal Era [which began in 1892].""
The Cardinal quarterback situation remains up in the air as Managing Editor and potential Cardinal signal-caller Laura-Claire Corson is doubtful, as she was sidelined with bronchitis earlier this week.
""Playing hurt? Baby, that don't phase me!"" a defiant Corson said. ""If the Herald thinks we lost a step, then they're in for a surprise. A rude, painful surprise. Word.""
