Ah, Sunday morning. The beginning of the day of rest. The day when you can forget your worries and focus on one thing: your horrendous hangover.
This past Sunday greeted me like any other: throbbing head, cottonmouth and some killer burps. But this one was somehow worse. A friend—the king of all cheapskates—had visited for the weekend, and the non-stop McDonald's killed me.
So, in the all-American way, I turned to the perfect solution: the three-day detox diet. ""Lifestyle changes are for the Canadians,"" I thought. ""A Yankee goes for instant gratification.""
A quick trip to Barnes & Noble netted my guide, Dr. Don Colbert's ""Toxic Relief.""
Dr. Colbert explained my problem: Americans are flooded with toxins. The air we breathe is filled with chemicals, bacteria and mold, while pesticides, additives and preservatives poison our food. And while our poor livers struggle to combat the toxins, I was breaking the two Golden Rules of liver health: Don't drink excessive alcohol, and don't overeat.
The solution, according to Dr. Colbert, was a fresh-juice-only fast. The easily digestible juices allow the liver to catch up with the poisons while creating an alkaline environment in our cells, which promotes the excretion of toxins.
It seemed to make sense, so I headed to Whole Foods to prepare. Of course I allowed myself one last delicious binge on the many free samples, and then stocked up on fresh fruits and veggies.
The fresh-fruit breakfast juices were the only palatable part of my day. After that, my day consisted of dealing with ghastly hunger. The worst part: All I had to look forward to was a ""dinner juice"" of cabbage, celery and cucumber.
Instead of feeling more energetic, I was completely lethargic. I would have forced a workout at the SERF, but this wasn't allowed. Besides, standing up was a 10-minute process to avoid a low blood sugar blackout.
Possibly the worst part of the detox diet was the requisite 12 glasses of bottled water each day. After one day of gulping, my body began to detect imaginary flaws in my lavishly pure water. At one point I resolved to never again drink any liquid other than beer.
Eventually, however, I began to settle into my famished worthlessness. My self-esteem picked up only as I convinced myself of the good I was doing for my body.
I followed the re-introduction plan, and I must say I did feel more energetic by the following weekend. I'm managed to stave off toxic temptations over the past week. But these wholesome ways are facing an imminent roadblock: the Minnesota-Wisconsin game. This means fountains of beer, mounds of brats, and hordes of filthy Gopher fans polluting our air.
Luckily, Dr. Colbert has developed an even quicker fix for fat America: A one-day detox diet. You gotta love our nation.
