Tell me, does this sound familiar? The most popular boy in school has a secret admirer—the quiet dork sitting alone in the lunchroom, eating a ham sandwich, just dreaming of the day he will love her. In walks big-boobed lipstick girl—the one with the pink mini-skirt and the expensive car—also the one dating Mr. Popular. She spills milk all over the quiet dork ""on accident"" and laughs with her friends. Mr. Popular is appalled but too conformist to speak up until the end when there's a prom and the quiet dork somehow manages to be crowned queen. She and Mr. Popular fall in love and kiss under some Christmas lights. A song by Paula Cole or Savage Garden whispers quietly into the credits, and that's the end.
I've certainly seen this before. I know I've longed to be the ham sandwich dork. I know I watched ""She's All That"" on TBS last Saturday afternoon. Yeah, so? It's a flaw.
Anyway, the teen romcom, the teen slasher flick, and the serial killer gorefest movie—all of these were created by what I like to call (in fond recognition to Charlie Kaufman, of course) The Three. The Three are the most reproductive movies of the '90s. The three movies that spawned a decade's worth of copycats, sequels and adaptations. The three movies whose descendants have spread like a slow, degenerative disease over the last ten years, and I will suggest the antidotes to them to you now. The three are...
1. ""Can't Hardly Wait""
The Offspring: ""She's All That,"" ""Ten Things I Hate About You,"" ""Whatever it Takes,"" ""Get Over It.""
The Beef: Essentially, who cares? Who cares if Cinderella gets a carriage? Who cares about rich, white suburban kids being cruel to one another out of boredom? I don't. Personally, I'd like to care.
The Antidote: ""Brick"" (2005) starring Joseph Gordon Levitt—a tour-de-force in teen film-noir. It is true to the form but delicious and fresh, built from the hierarchy of high school.
2. ""Scream""
The Offspring: ""I Know What You Did Last Summer,"" ""Urban Legend,"" ""Valentine,"" ""Final Destination,"" ""When a Stranger Calls,"" ""Jeepers Creepers.""
The Beef: How many times are we expected to find entertainment in predicting who's gonna die next? It's the slutty girl, then the cocky guy, then the virgin's best friend. And then there's the boyfriend and girlfriend who get murdered while doing it in the hot tub. Brilliant.
The Antidote: ""Dot the I"" (2003) starring Gael Garcia Bernal, Natalia Verbeke, and James D'Arcy—a psychological postmodern thriller about what happens when you willingly deceive the ones you claim to love.
3. ""Seven""
The Offspring: ""Saw,"" ""Taking Lives,"" ""The Bone Collector,"" ""The Hills Have Eyes,"" ""Hostel.""
The Beef: Let's be honest. Audiences are getting harder and harder to scare. For a nine-year-old, ""Saw II"" is akin to eating pop rocks or playing ""Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board"" at a sleepover. Excessive gore is just a cop out for writers and directors who don't feel like reaping the creative crop.
The Antidote: ""What Lies Beneath"" (2000) starring Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer. This movie shows that twists, turns and the unexpected are far more terrifying than a man cutting into his own eye with a death mask strapped to his neck. Ew.
