I once ate my entire weight in EggoAr brand waffles.
This actually isn't true. In fact, it's a lie. But what I've done is just demonstrated a key way to survive Madison and the college experience—hardcore, pure unadulterated lying.
This might seem like a slap in the face of George Washington and how he could not tell a lie about cutting down the ol' cherry tree.
But should you really follow the advice of someone who could only muster the dollar bill?
This is now and this is college, and cherries should be the least of your worries.
By lying, you'll be able to tell grand stories that will make others think, ""Hmm, this person is unique, and I would enjoy pursuing sexual relations with them.""
People don't really care if you once drank five gallons of water in a day (I did), or you've obtained a level 60 Night Elf in ""World of Warcraft.""
However, if you can launch into a story about the time you were on the hit Nickelodeon TV show ""Legends of the Hidden Temple,"" you'll be set for the entire life of the friendship.
You can't just claim the story though; you need to own up to it, and fully develop the lie so nobody can catch you. Was Olmec as much of a jerk in life as on the show? How many answers did you get on the question round? What happens when a temple guard grabs you?
All of these questions will get lobbed at you as people try to discover the lie.
To prepare for ultimate lie telling, take in a viewing of ""Reservoir Dogs."" Watch how much Mr. Orange practiced his story and do it moreso, because this is more important. If Mr. Orange got caught in his lie, he'd merely get murdered. If you get caught in your lie, you could become a social outcast, a fate much worse than death.
It could be argued that any relationship predicated on a lie is bound to fail. If someone claims they're Neil Armstrong, or they once punched out Big Bird, it might seem like the relationship is headed for problems right at the start.
Don't worry, this is not so. Keep in mind this is college, and all college relationships work like a ladder. The first friendships you make are most likely people from your dorm, earned through a clever lie about nacho consumption.
In three months, when they realize that no person could consume that much corn product, you moved up the ladder to friends outside of the dorm. Who cares if dorm friends have caught onto your lie? You've got real friends.
Six months later when real friends catch onto your lies, it's fine, because you can just keep moving up the ladder. Lie your way up, and make new friends.
The ultimate lie you can tell is that you're actually 21, even if you're 17. Just get an ID to prove it. Not only will that earn you the lie street cred, you will also earn the alcohol getting street cred, which can only help.
