Hunziker Like the WolfFrom the desk of Aaron Spencer Douglas, first year law student and amateur legal counsel to Mr. Matthew S. Hunziker:
Frequent and non-readers of this column alike show a very similar likelihood for recalling an avant-garde, non-sound recording group known as the Boohbah Dance Brigade.\ While this is an unfortunate difficulty, I am glad to say that unless one wishes to Facebook the organization, it is enough to know that it exists and that this is the reason why I am writing to you.
My client and founder of the ""Boohbah Dance Brigade"" (hereafter referred to as the ""BDB""), Mr. Hunziker, has for the last several months put a great deal of time and effort into petitioning the federal government to grant his group tax-exempt status.
Washington has so far been non-compliant, despite my client's insistence that the BDB's reverence for shiny objects, paramilitary maneuvers and a pathological aversion to common sense clearly denotes it as a religion.
The situation escalated in mid-February when Mr. Hunziker, frustrated with his letter-writing campaign and completely out of stamps, attempted to gain media attention by going on a ""creativity strike,"" refusing to produce any original material of artistic merit or topical relevance.
Until recently, this had not prevented my client from regularly publishing on this page each Thursday, but as Mr. Hunziker writes:
""Having exhausted my store of illogical and problematic references, anti-Don Henley diatribes and other diversionary tactics, I have no choice but to cease to write entirely. This silence will continue indefinitely, or at least until a purely meaningless, random ‘Dada' style of writing can be devised. My law student will hereby see to it that all of my contractual obligations are fulfilled in a fittingly abstract manner.""
In so abdicating from his columnar responsibilities, my client passes this torch along to Jeff Landow, who he hopes will use it to ""light a fire under Radiohead's ass"" as their next album was originally supposed to come out ""like seven fucking months ago.""
My client wishes to assure readers that the end of his tenure with this column does not mean he will be abandoning any of his other current projects. In fact, Mr. Hunziker will be spending the next few years in the UW-Madison Music School working on finishing a number of uncompleted tasks, including getting the musical score for ""Castlevania 4"" inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, adding handclaps to the National Anthem and preemptively covering Guns N' Roses' Chinese Democracy on a national tour, despite having no knowledge of its songs.
He also insists that the end of his column does not mean the ""unabandonement"" of any projects previously abandoned, and thus Mozart's unfinished requiem might never segue into Bob Seger's ""Night Moves.""
As for summer plans, Mr. Hunziker has asked me to officially declare his ""excitement"" in regard to the high quality of the festival line-ups scheduled for the continental United States. He adds, however, that anyone wishing to attend Coachella, Bonnaroo, Sasquatch, Lollapalooza and the Pitchfork Music Festival should be prepared to spend approximately $2,000.
Mr. Hunziker also wishes to point out that WSUM's Party in the Park is free, located just blocks away at James Madison Park and occurs September 2 this year. (In the interest of fairness, counsel points out that Pitchfork's festival is very reasonably priced and conveniently located in Chicago.) As part of my client's wishes, he also requests that readers participate in a paragraph of silence to reflect on how awesome the new Futureheads album will be.
(8...7...6...5...4...3...2..1...)
In closing, Mr. Hunziker bids his readers farewell, recommends that anyone looking for music-related mirth visit the Limp Bizkit Official Online Forum, and advises us all to keep in our hearts the immortal words ""I'ma [sic] do things my way. Yes my way. My way or the highway.""
This is Matt's final column in the Daily Cardinal. Contact him at hunziker@wisc.edu.
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