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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, October 31, 2024

Snap, Crackle, Adios: Joe says goodbye

Snap, Crackle, Pudas!  

 

This is going to be a very special Snap, Crackle, Pudas.\ 

 

I don't know about you all, but this semester seemed to fly by like none other in recent memory. OK, maybe the winter months didn't soar, but now that I can actually venture outside without a Carhartt on, the days are whizzing past. So it came as quite a shock to me a few days ago when I learned that this would indeed be my last column, that this would be the last time that same dorky picture of my mug would grace the Monday Arts page. Since I still had more to say, I'm going to try and cram it all into this final column, borderline stream-of-consciousness style. Although it may sound more like Benjy the man-child from Faulkner's ""The Sound and the Fury"" trying to write about movies, bear with me. 

 

Schwarzenegger movies, good or bad, are consistently the most purely entertaining films American cinema has to offer. My roommate Matt will grumble and leave the room whenever I put on a European art-house or indie DVD, but his ass remains glued to the couch if the Governor of California is on the tube. Speaking of Schwarzenegger, whom I devoted an entire column to once, I completely forgot to even mention ""Total Recall,"" hands down his best movie excluding ""Terminator 2."" This 1990 sci-fi classic balances heady, provocative identity-related themes with some of the most inventive, gruesome violence this side of Argento and Cronenberg. If you're an Ah-nuld connoisseur and you haven't seen this...then you're not an Ah-nuld connoisseur. 

 

My favorite actor, despite his lackluster output in the last 10 years or so, is Robert De Niro. When he starts discerning the quality of projects offered to him again, and he will, De Niro will make a few more masterpieces. Even if it takes Martin Scorsese to revive him again, De Niro will appear in another excellent film. On that note, Scorsese is the most important, enthusiastic contributor to cinema as a medium, living or dead. And I can't ever see that changing. Just wait to see what he does with Jack Nicholson later this year in ""The Departed."" 

 

Of all supporting actors, Christopher Walken and Steve Buscemi are the best. We remember them for their performances in great movies—""The Deer Hunter,"" ""True Romance,"" ""Ghost World,"" ""Fargo""—but for every one of those, Walken and Buscemi had to liven up 10 ""Kangaroo Jacks"" and ""Armageddons"" apiece. These two are the only ensemble players of our generation idiosyncratic enough to command attention in even the worst of movies. 

 

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This column has, in the past, been fairly severe to a variety of individuals, yet the only hate mail I ever received was for a crack I made about Orlando Bloom. It reads: ""I AM E-MAILING THIS ARTICLE TO THE WHOLE ORLANDO BLOOM FAN CLUB OVER THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE (MAYBE EVEN 1 MILLION) YOU BETTER MAKE A RETRACTION OR I WILL ALOS POST IT ON MY SITE AND EVERY OTHER ORLANDO BLOOM CHAT ROOMS. US ORLANDO BLOOM FANS CARE ABOUT HIS CAREAR, WE WILL DO ANYTHING TO HELP HIM OUT.""  

 

That is so unbelievably awesome. 

 

My favorite moment in cinematic history is in ""Raiders of the Lost Ark."" It occurs when Indiana Jones thinks he's escaped from the legions of turbaned villains, only to discover a hulking, turbaned supervillain. This supervillain displays his sword-fighting prowess, and it looks like there's going to be a ferocious duel until...Indiana wearily shoots him down. Spielberg originally intended for this scene to end in a gigantic swordfight, but because Harrison Ford had the runs on that 100-degree day, he jokingly improvised what would become one of the most remembered scenes in any movie. I learned that from a fluke afternoon of watching ""Oprah."" 

 

If you could consider ""The Sopranos: Season 6"" a film, it would be the best movie of this year. Contrary to what you've read or heard elsewhere, it is the craziest, wittiest season the show has had yet. Although television has become fraught with reality bullshit like ""Deal or No Deal"" and ""American Idol,"" some programs still deserve comparison with movies. ""24,"" ""The Shield,"" ""Rescue Me""—these are also shows to pay attention to. 

 

You should give certain movies more than one chance. It took me two viewings to fully appreciate ""The Man Who Wasn't There,"" ""Caddyshack"" and ""Requiem For a Dream"" among others. For me, the immediate gut reaction you get from watching any movie for the second time is the most reliable indicator of how you will always feel about it. 

 

Although just about any film critic extols the virtues of art-house, independent and foreign cinema, a lot of them seem to forget that audiences in general go to movies to be entertained. I think that the most valuable films are those that are successful mixtures of entertainment and art—films that can provoke both thrills and thought. So even though I would encourage you to see any and every movie outside of the mainstream that you can, whether it be an enlightening documentary or an exhilarating samurai flick, watch what you like. Nobody is in the mood to watch Antonioni all the time and continuously ponder the meaning of life, but that doesn't mean you should only digest ""Scary Movie"" sequels or summer blockbusters either. Go to a quirky indie you've never heard of before. Rent an Errol Morris documentary. Put an Errol Flynn swashbuckler on your Netflix queue. Get shitfaced and watch a pre-""Lord of the Rings"" Peter Jackson movie. Branch out and widen your film taste—whether it's the latest Matthew McConaughey rom-com or some obscure Danish movie you've never heard of playing at the Orpheum, keep an open but critical mind. 

 

Thanks for reading.  

 

This is Joe's final column in the Daily Cardinal. Contact him at japudas@wisc.edu. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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