Hunziker Like the Wolf
As the writer of this column for the past two semesters, I've been vested with a certain dubious authority on the subject of music.
Accordingly, people have, from time to time, asked for my judgment on matters (i.e. Do you actually believe this bullshit?\). And while many of these questions (like that one) have dealt with my stance on the issue of belief or disbelief in my own bullshit, from time to time a hypothetical individual has sought my guidance. As the semester winds down, and with it my tenure as music columnist, I thought I'd take the time to answer some of these questions before I am forcefully retired, euthanized and made into a nutritionally-dense foodstuff for my successors.
Wordless in Wisconsin writes: ""When people hear our band's lyrics, they track down our individual addresses so that they can personally deliver handwritten death threats. What are we doing wrong?""
The two most common missteps in lyric writing are sentimentality and the abuse and misuse of common words and phrases. While either can exist fairly comfortably on its own (Death Cab For Cutie often strays towards the former, while the Mars Volta is founded strongly in the latter), combining the two tends to come off like a bad Connor Oberst lyric. For example: ""I have a friend, he's mostly made of pain.""
This line not only commits both crimes mentioned above, it also directly contradicts many principles of modern biology, as scientists have concluded that H2O—not pain—is the most abundant substance in human beings. Thanks for writing.
Ur_Cra-Z_Grl@myspace.com asks: ""When and how should my local band promote our MySpace profile?""
The general rule seems to be that there is an inverse relationship between the size of a band's following and its need to pimp its MySpace page. For newly-formed local bands, this may demand spending more than 168 hours a week on the task. To get around this temporal barrier, try the following: Repeatedly refer to your profile during casual conversations, trips to the bank and sexual encounters both casual and professional. Mention it as privileged information to your attorney during a murder trial, while naked in front of your doctor, before, after and during the National Anthem...
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...write it backwards on the bathroom walls in hotels, shout it in a crowded theater (protected by the First Amendment unless you are Boy Sets Fire), petition that it be added to your state constitution, try to work it into your restraining order, mention it after every song you play, write it into song lyrics (i.e. ""I have a MySpace friend, he's mostly made of pain"")...
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...kidnap yourself and use your profile to post clues for police, file a lawsuit against Lil Jon claiming ownership of the word ""crunk,"" bribe Sen. Ted Stevens, R-Alaska, to belch it during the State of the Union address, or simply die, thus earning free plugs on ""YourDeathSpace."" Hope that helps.
Bill asks: ""When should an artist do commercials?""
The best approach is to only do commercials when a company's product, name or logo is similar enough to your band's, so that any future promotion of the product will promote you. The White Stripes have just written a jingle for Coca-Cola, the connection between the two being contempt for the plight of third-world countries. Some other examples of possible synergy are: The Game and Milton Bradley, Dangerdoom and the Department of Homeland Security and Joy Division and the ""Mighty Math"" series of educational software titles.
Mad in Manchester writes: ""Critics don't like us, my brother and I don't get along and we stopped selling in the States.""
If your band is in the position of being Oasis, your best bet is to put ""Definitely Maybe"" on the stereo, summon all your powers of imagination and pretend it's 1994.
Thanks to everyone who wrote in. Be sure to catch the column's last week and remember: ""Soylent Green is people!""
Contact your local Matt at hunziker@wisc.edu. Let the love flow.
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