I think I might be the next Dennis Miller.
Holy gold-plated front teeth, Chad Johnson is good. What's more—he's rich. Much richer now than he was before. Yesterday, everyone's favorite touchdown-celebrator inked a deal with the Cincinnati Bengals that will keep him wearing stripes until 2010.
The real story under all of this is how the deal worked out. Johnson essentially renegotiated his current contract into this new one. Even this small detail is atypical in the NFL—or any pro sport for that matter. Johnson's old deal would have kept him in the Queen City until 2009. The old deal also called for only about $17 in cash to be hurled toward the 6'1 Oregon State alum. The new deal (referring to Johnson's situation here, not FDR's genius alphabet soup plan of the 1930s—that comes later) gets Johnson a titanic sum of $35.5 million over the next five to six years. Needless to say, this deal will leave Cincinnati residents feeling brighter than the Tennessee Valley after FDR came through with the creation of the TVA (told you it was coming).
But let's throw some more gravy on this boat, shall we? Johnson gets a $5 million signing bonus, a $250,000 reporting bonus and a $250,000 workout bonus. Take your time to digest all of this.
Now, I don't pretend to know much about NFL contracts. I do know the basics. The team pays money to a player to perform and win games. What shocks me is that the Bengals seem more than willing to pay Johnson $250,000 to report to a job that will eventually pay him over 14 times that amount. I had no idea it was necessary to pay a man to get paid more. Further, the Bengals plan to pay Johnson $250,000 to \work out.""
I'm uncertain as to whether this means he must ""work out"" for the team or if he needs to ""work out"" his body. Perhaps he has to ""work out"" the quarterback situation for the team, I don't know. I'll assume, for the benefit of this column, that Johnson must ""stay in shape."" It might be less ridiculous if he did have to figure out whether or not the Bengals should sign another quarterback or hope Carson Palmer's knee will hold together.
I just can't believe the craziness of paying a guy a quarter of a million dollars to not eat too many cheeseburgers so he can play a game he's loved since he was three.
But I've not even given away the most miraculous part of this deal. Certainly working out such a blockbuster deal was dealt with the utmost diplomacy and respect from both sides. It's clear that both Chad Johnson and the Bengals both want to be together for the long run.
The kicker? Drew Rosenhaus is his agent!!!
How in the name of the WPA, CCC, TVA and Social Security did Drew-freaking-Rosenhaus do anything that didn't result in the destruction of football? I cannot believe that snake actually negotiated a deal peacefully and without Chad Johnson fans ready to storm the Bengals headquarters just to demand that his client need only do 30 sit-ups in a pregame warm-up rather than 35. It boggles the mind.
It boggles the FDR-loving mind.
Connor McKnight can be contacted at cgmcknight@wisc.edu.\
