As you roll out of bed on a Saturday morning, your throbbing head reminds you of two things: your crazy night and your empty wallet. No Perkins for me this morning,\ you think sullenly. But wait! Don't settle for a lowly Pop Tart—haul your ass out of bed and go on a sample spree at the Dane County Farmers' Market. After dining on everything from doughnuts to sausage, the only thing fuller than your stomach will be your wallet.As you start at the corner of Carroll and Mifflin streets, make sure you walk counterclockwise. Going against the grain screams, ""I'm the biggest asshole in Madison.""
One of the first stands on Carroll is the Country Baker, where they'll let you try a free sample of their specialty—a potato buttermilk doughnut. If the hearty, sweet treat has got you hooked, throw down 50 cents and get another.
After a wild night of Jaeger bombs, try a shot of a different kind—pure maple syrup—at Engel's Sugar Bush. The Sugar Bush lets you try their Wisconsin syrup, and just like rum, you can have a syrup shot of the light, medium or dark variety.
Near the end of Carroll Street, look for Tomato Mountain for a spicy snack. You can sample the fresh salsas made with Wisconsin-grown tomatoes. If your hangover is still killing you, they even sell a homemade bloody mary mix.
As you turn on to Main Street, look (and listen) for Granny's ""Old Fashioned"" Bakery. If you're around at the end of the market (approximately 2 p.m.), the guys at Granny's might offer you a free cinnamon roll, complete with warm, gooey icing.
Midway along Main Street is free snackers' heaven: Brunkow Cheese of Wisconsin. Between the eight cheese spreads and dozen or so cheeses—all can be sampled, multiple times—you can have a veritable feast under this huge red tent. Be careful though, or the little boy behind the counter might call your freeloading out.
If you consider sausage a breakfast must, head next door to Hometown Meats, where you can try fresh sausage made right in Verona.
Your last stop on Main Street is Cabibbo's Bakery, where you can sample any of the 10 varieties of crunchy biscotti. One of these will make Starbucks' seem like $5 dog biscuits.
On Pinckney Street, grab a unique jolt of protein at Golden Dreams Ostrich. You can try a stick of their ostrich jerky, flavorfully 97 percent fat free. Beware the white things next to the samples—these are ostrich shells and are not for eating.
Next try some of Wisconsin's most famous cheeses at Hook's Cheese Company. Hook's is one of many cheese stands, each offering scrumptious samples. Enjoy them all, but make sure you use a new toothpick each time to avoid nasty glares.
Nearby is a freeloader trap: a stand featuring dozens of free cookies. Chowing down on one of these ""cookies"" would be a mistake—they are dog treats.
Your final stop on this breakfast journey is Stella's Bakery, the most bustling spot on the square. To appease the hungry masses, Stella's offers free almond butter cookies while you wait. Shh, don't tell them you're not buying anything!
You've now made one deliciously free lap around the Dane County Farmers' Market. Wait, what's that? You're still hungry? Throw on some sunglasses and make another lap—the samplers will never recognize you.
Angry farmers' market vendors can e-mail storey@wisc.edu.
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