Margin of EricLast week was spring break. I'm telling you this in case you forgot, which is entirely possible from the look of some people stumbling around campus this week. Those who thrust themselves deepest into the spring break fray will undoubtedly have flashbacks and night sweats for weeks to come. Console them in their time of need as classes, homework and exams are sure to crush what's left of their fragile spirits.
To those who can remember last week, I hope you didn't forget to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. While I'm sure most Madison bar owners cursed the concurrent scheduling of both break and the greenest day of the year, that shouldn't have caused much of a problem for anyone else. Besides, if the bars really cared, they'd figure out a green food coloring which doesn't reinforce the pain that is Miller Light.
It's clear due to stories of beachthemed St. Patrick's Day parties from returning spring breakers and the multiple times I overheard people talking about bagpipes being festive last Friday, that some people are clueless. This is unacceptable since, by law, we were all technically Irish that day and thus should know something about our own culture. Therefore, I figured I'd try and help out.
First off, who is St. Patrick? The day is in his honor, you at least have to know this. Most simply, he was an Irish preacher who is now dead. He's most notably known for driving the snakes out of Ireland, though that's a little less impressive once you consider the fact that after the last ice age, there weren't actually any snakes on the island.
There were, however, druids which the snakes could be a metaphor for. And if we learned anything from Spaceballs,\ the druids were air-loving pushovers with self-centered women who could only be tamed by valiant, equally self-centered space rogues. Ireland is better off without them.
This wasn't the end to Mr. Patrick's (he wasn't a saint yet) contribution to Irish lore. Many people don't realize that after driving the druids into the ocean, most likely with the use of an enhanced Winnebago, he took a well deserved break. Walking into the nearest bar, he punched his best friend in the face and drank said friend's lukewarm Guinness in one gulp. That is why, to this day, the world considers the stereotypical Irish to be a violent drunk.
Now I should point out that I can't claim to be totally accurate on all this. Even certain details such as St. Patrick using the shamrock, or three-leaf clover, to explain the holy trinity are up for debate as to whether it really happened. Thankfully, history is always better the more entertaining it is. Thus, if I'm right in saying St. Patrick created the mythical gold-diggers that are leprechauns by beating his cheap friend with a shillelagh until he was short, all the better. If I'm wrong, well it wouldn't be the first time.
You may be wondering why I care so much to try and spread the word about St. Patrick's Day. Well the answer is simple: St. Patrick is the patron saint of engineers and thus holds a dear place in my heart. There's no clear reason why exactly he's given this association, but I can only imagine it is because he was amazingly smart, dashingly handsome, better than everyone else and yet modest and humble.
In any case, I hope you try to remember what you have learned here when it comes time again next year to celebrate. Oh, and don't forget to say ""kiss me, I'm an engineer."" It's fine if that's not even your major, ‘cuz everyone is an engineer on St. Patrick's Day.
If this shams-a-rockin' don't bother knockin' or e-mailing ejjensen3@wisc.edu.
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