Generally, discussions of musicians and athletes do not overlap. With a few notable exceptions, including Shaq-Fu: Da Return\ and of course the Go! Team's disappointing medal count at the 2006 Winter Olympics, people don't usually find much common ground between the two worlds.
This is unfortunate, as they actually share multiple characteristics. For one, there is of course the issue of widespread drug use at the professional level. Henry Rollins' biceps are at least as big as Mark McGwire's, and James Brown has snorted more cocaine in his life than the entire NBA collectively.
Being a classical guitar player (and not, as my exquisitely manicured nails might suggest, a transvestite) has made me aware that the two camps have another thing in common: the danger of injuries. Athletes are taught early on about the damage their bodies suffer during training and competitions. It's why NFL linemen have a life expectancy of about 23 and retired boxers talk like psychologically damaged Elmer Fudds.
But did you know that musicians often suffer from the same kinds of stresses? It could very well be true. The intense practice routines of many musicians can do serious harm to the hands and other parts of the body, sometimes leaving sufferers with hideous claw hands that frighten children. In the interest of not frightening children, I've listed descriptions of some of the most common ailments below. However, as tomorrow is April Fool's Day and I don't have a medical text handy, some of the descriptions may be false. Try to guess which ones. It's half the fun of journalism!
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome
""Thoracic"" pertains to the thorax, which is the middle segment of the body of an arthropod. This may seem like a strange thing to name a medical disorder after, but remember that these names come from doctors, individuals who experience sadistic joy in our confusion and misery, just like the dentist in ""Marathon Man.""
The thorax here is used in reference to The B-52s' ""Rock Lobster,"" and the need for an emotional ""outlet"" experienced by a person forced to listen to the song on endless repeat.
Trigger Finger
Like ""going postal,"" Trigger Finger refers to the homicidal rage typically experienced by sufferers of Thoracic Outlet Syndrome.
Tendinosis
Thanks go out primarily to ""Coast to Coast"" radio for helping sort this one out. One of the more esoteric disorders encountered by musicians, Tendinosis falls into the category of obscure philosophical ailments. The key here is ""nosis,"" or as it is correctly spelled, ""gnosis."" According to my 12th-grade philosophy class, this means ""to know,"" but what is it exactly that the tendinosis sufferer knows? The answer, of course, is ""ten.""
This may seem like an insignificant bit of information, but as Art Bell fans know, such a system of knowing based on numbers constitutes ""Numerology,"" a branch of pseudomathematics that contends all numbers have significance in some kind of mystical, destiny-of-the-universe way. In the movie ""Pi,"" this gets the main character into serious trouble.
There is currently no treatment for Tendinosis, but it's generally agreed that sufferers should avoid menacing corporate types, power drills and disembodied brains.
Temporo-Mandibular Joints Disorder
Another case of sadistically obscure medical jargon, ""Temporo"" is either Latin or Italian for ""tempura,"" which is a deep-fried Japanese dish. ""Mandibular,"" pertaining to mandibles, usually refers to the jaw segment of arthropods, but since insects hate tempura, we can assume that human beings are the subject here. Bringing ""joints"" into the picture, TMJD can be understood as the overeating of deep-fried Japanese food following the consumption of marijuana. Members of jam bands and jazz fusion combos are at particular risk.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a serious case of Carpal Tunnel coming on, and I don't have any witch hazel or a Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card.
With a silver in head-to-head single-elimination biathlon (including taking out a Norwegian with a single headshot) Matt Hunziker's medal count in the 2006 Winter Olympics was not disappointing. E-mail him at hunziker@wisc.edu.
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