It's the middle of the fourth quarter in Super Bowl XL. The Steelers have the ball at Seattle's 43-yard line and a 14-10 lead. Something's amiss.
Quietly, I ponder. Up to that point, I can't seem to remember seeing the Steelers run any gadget plays. Maybe I missed one when I was picking up food.
My curiosity grows. Because seriously, I know there was that one reverse or whatever, but has there been any kind of Whisenhunt Special? Usually the Steelers take an opportunity to hand the ball off six times in the backfield before throwing to an inexplicably wide-open receiver ,who has apparently managed to ''sell the run'' for the past 30 seconds.
Then Pittsburgh snaps the ball and hands it off to wide receiver Antwaan Randle El, who successfully fools (absolutely nobody with the exception of) Seattle's defense and throws up top to Hines Ward for the touchdown.
I had been hoodwinked by the modern-day Danny Ocean, Antwaan Randle El (which, of course, is Spanish for 'Antwaan Randle The'). Pittsburgh's deceptive offense had earned itself the memorable moniker, Ocean's 11. Or Ocean's 12 if you count the referees and/or like sub-par sequels.
Because here's a guy who is paid to catch passes, yet'out of nowhere'attempts to advance the ball down the field with a forward pass of his own. Frankly, I had never seen anything quite like it in the past two weeks.
(By the way, I started that last paragraph with 'Here's a guy.' So to John Madden and Al Michaels: Thank you. To fans of reliable but awkward and non-specific transitions: You're welcome.)
The point is, however, that Randle El is good. Unfortunately, the poor guy'who is blessed with this incredible throwing arm'is stuck at wide receiver instead of making plays under center. All I could think was, 'I wonder if he has a brother. If so, I bet he'd be a great quarterback.'
Some things we'll never know. I kid, John Stocco, I kid.
But enough about the Fake Toss Reverse Pass Anticipated ''Round The World.'' There are plenty of other things from Sunday evening to talk about. Here we go, rapid fire. Pop an addie if you must. Some thoughts...
...The Seahawks sucked. The Steelers sucked less. On ESPN's '1st and Ten,' Skip Bayless and Woody Paige agreed the Steelers were the second-worst team in history to win a Super Bowl behind the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl V. Skip and Woody could agree today is Tuesday and my first instinct would usually be to ask for a third opinion. But for once, they were right.
...If Ben Roethlisberger is the new Tom Brady'the Golden Boy du jour'then Ashlee Simpson is the next Madonna. Big Ben threw as many touchdown passes on Sunday as his time-keeping namesake. He won the Super Bowl, and his quarterback rating was 22. Granted he got advice from Dan Marino last week'and there's your problem right there'but he's not a great quarterback yet. He just has a good team around him.
...Apparently, the refs pre-gamed with Ken Kesey. They were awful. All game they were seeing things that weren't there. I hear hallucinations can be pretty wild, but if you ask me, it's just irresponsible to seek a thrill if you're heading to work on the sports world's biggest stage. Their intense trip included visions of: Darrell Jackson pushing off, the ball breaking the plane, Hutchinson holding and Hasselbeck chop-blocking. Of course, none of this actually happened.
...The commercials were slightly better than the refs, thanks exclusively to Emerald Nuts with its 'Eagle-eyed Machete Enthusiasts Recognize A Little Druid Networking Under The Stairs' masterpiece. If you've never heard of the campaign, they basically create ridiculous phrases from an 11-letter acronym spelling out Emerald Nuts. Consider them this year's marketing maven. I find it to be Entertaining Nonsense.
...It seems that Jerramy Stevens picked an even worse mentor than did Big Ben when he spoke with Marino about Super Bowl success'if you didn't notice, Stevens paid homage to Freddie Mitchell. He talked a lot before the game and didn't bother to back it up; just like FredEx, he couldn't deliver.
...Finally, we come to Jerome Bettis, who was apparently voted Detroit's Homecoming King for this week's big game against Seattle East. He is known affectionately as 'The Bus' for being black, yellow and overweight. A lot of things are black and yellow'bumblebees, phone books, Discover cards'so isn't the fact that people stuck him with 'Bus' kind of insulting? He's sensitive about his weight, since he won't disclose the actual number, so it makes you wonder if he would have preferred a different black-and-yellow- inspired nickname. I can only think of things like caution tape.
Either way, the 'Farewell, 'Bus' Tour' was a long, drawn-out one. For years now, Bettis has been running on empty, or possibly had a flat. Some say it was the mileage, others thought it was some extra cargo. On Sunday, Bettis carried 14 times for 43 yards; much like his team, he played poorly and still won.
Seattle must have felt like they had been run over by a bus. Even though Bettis never got it in gear, he rode his team to glory anyway, leaving Ford Field a Super Bowl champion.
At his last stop, the Bus drove everybody in the Emerald City nuts.
