If you are among the group of people whose schedules have settled into a comfortable mid-semester flow, you may be looking for new ways to fill up your free time. While hobbies like amateur taxidermy and chain smoking possess a certain allure, you may be interested to know that for the price of five cartons of Parliaments, you could be well on your way to learning how to play guitar. All it takes is an undaunted sense of optimism and this guide to getting started.
Buying a guitar:
When you enter the guitar store you will notice a number of things: First, there will be a man hunched over towards the front of the store playing Metallica's 'Seek and Destroy' over and over with the volume hovering around 16 on a one-to-ten scale. This man may at first intimidate you. What you should know, however, is that this man is an employee of the store, paid to crouch near the entrance playing 'Seek and Destroy' in a continuous loop in order to drown out the store's intercom, which has been playing The Eagles' Greatest Hits ever since the one employee who knew how to turn it off died.
The second thing you notice will be that there are many guitars on the wall. These guitars are all very expensive. If you approach them, one of the store's employees will move to intercept you and direct your attention to the corner of the store, which will contain many mechanically defective guitars in boxes. One of these will be your guitar, though you will not know this yet.
You may turn around to sneak a glance at the expensive wall-guitars again, but your new retail friend will insist through a combination of body language and nonverbal sounds that your place is with the boxed guitars.
This may seem like odd behavior for one who works for commission, but the employee is trying to prevent you from forcing him to answer awkwardly that there is no way for him to get those guitars down. He will not explain, but these guitars are only meant to be played by very experienced guitarists who are required to master a special wall-scaling technique. In the end, you will leave with one of the boxed guitars.
Getting set up:
At this point, you should open the box your guitar came in to determine whether it is acoustic or electric. To do this, search the outside of the guitar for something that looks like electricity would run through it. You should also make sure your guitar is not missing any parts. The nature of the parts will differ, but there should be at least eight.
For acoustic guitar players, set up ends here. Electric guitar players will require the following: a) a two-prong wall outlet, b) a three-prong adapter, c) a means of sending electric signals from your guitar to the amplifier.
Start playing:
First you will develop technique. This is done by looking at the book that came in your guitar's box. It's not there? Try checking the sofa: You opened the box over there earlier. Now it's time to learn a song. Traditionally, your first song must be selected from the following: Bush's 'Glycerine,' Blink-182's 'All the Small Things' or Smashing Pumpkins' first eight seconds of 'Today.'
Just follow the steps above, and you will be the envy of a number of your friends. To find out how to deal with the excruciating pain in your hands, stay tuned....
